The Next Awesome Person
by Miss L Delba
Summary: COMPLETE - - After S05's finale, Maura's "next awesome person" arrives, and much to her surprise, it turns out to be a woman, the new ADA. This generates an unexplainable confusion in Jane, and opens a door they never considered could exist. /Intense slow-burn path to Rizzles with a controversial starting point. ;) (NB: EPILOGUE is a separate one-shot)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** This is a slow, very intense, first-time realization story. It will get angsty at times (but not more than in the show), because it explores in depth the slow changes in both Jane and Maura, but nobody runs away, nobody has an accident. I'm keeping it as close as the TV show universe I can. Also, not exploring cases, mothers, etc. Just Maura and Jane.

IMPORTANT: #Rizzles will happen, but not until a other things happen first. Most importantly: the story **will involve someone else in the process.** This is a point **critical** for the story, and for #Rizzles. So, if you are not open to the idea of Maura with another woman, or are looking for a story that starts with or jumps right away into #Rizzles, this story may be just too shocking. Still, I'd give it a try ;D

Having said that, welcome to this unexpected, intense path to #Rizzles :)

* * *

 **Chapter 01**

Maura held the door to the morgue for Jane, who was precariously carrying a large tray loaded with coffees. Suzie rushed in to help Jane while Maura made space on one of the counter tops and spread out the donut boxes they had brought. Satisfied everything was now in order, she called her staff.

Once they had all gathered around the unexpected breakfast, she swiped her hand towards the food as she sent a smiling, thankful glance at Jane.

"This is just a small token of my gratitude for your hard work in the Shoelace Murders case. Actually, the donuts were Detective Rizzoli's idea although refined sugar is not…"

Jane touched Maura's arm, gently guiding the pointing finger in the air down. Leaning forward, she whispered in Maura's ear.

"It's fine, Maur. I think they are quite happy with the processed sugar."

Behind her mocked reproachful squint, Maura was thankful; it was one thing to tell Jane what or not to eat, another thing was to try it with her team. Jane grinned and Maura smiled back with her entire face, so happy to be able to share moments like this with her.

The clapping and cheering startled her; she turned around and saw the usually quiet lab techs huddling around the unexpected breakfast. She felt Jane's presence right behind her, followed by the warmth of her hand on the small of her back. Their eyes met. Jane's face was glowing with deep pride; her eyes were holding Maura's dearly, making her feel like the luckiest person on earth to have such a good friend.

"Hi…" The shy voice coming from the door behind them made them turn around in unison. It belonged to a tall, brunette woman dressed in a simple but elegant –and possibly very expensive- suit and carrying a black executive bag. _Poster girl for a lawyer's practice_ , thought Jane.

The woman smiled as her eyes scanned them and then the room. "Looks like I'm interrupting…"

Maura took a couple of steps closer to the door. "You must excuse us, this is not a normal occurrence. How may I be of assistance?"

"I'm Julia Green, the new assistant District Attorney. I'm looking for Dr. Maura Isles in connection with the investigation on the murder of John Evans."

Jane grabbed one of the last donuts while following with faint interest the exchange between the newcomer and Maura. Then her sharp detective eye caught the clear raised-eyebrow, appraising-smile once-over the ADA gave Maura. Amused, she grinned as she took a bite. Then she saw how flustered Maura was; the grin died in her throat. She forced the donut down.

Maura turned around and called her. Not bothering to erase the frown, she approached them and stood next to Maura, their arms touching.

"This is Detective Rizzoli, in charge of the investigation. This is Miss… Or is it Mrs. Green?"

The ADA smiled, her eyes not leaving Maura's face for a second. "It's Miss, but you can call me Julia."

Maura laughed self-consciously, and suddenly Jane felt a strange weight in the pit of her stomach. Holding back a sneer, she turned to the woman and gave her a tight-lipped stretching of barely upwardly curved lips and a small nod.

"Nice to finally meet you, Detective. I've been on the job for less than a month but I already heard quite a bit about you – you're quite the hero, I'm impressed."

Without waiting to see Jane's scoff, she turned back to Maura.

"We are preparing the Shoelace Murders case for court, and the DA suggested I spend some time with you to prepare your testimony." She smiled and lowered her voice, looking around. "Actually, I think he wants you to help me avoid any rookie mistakes."

Jane stared in disbelief as Maura blushed slightly behind a coy smile. Clearing her throat, she lightly touched Maura's arm. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the ADA notice the gesture.

"Okay, I gotta rush. See you later, Maur. _Miss_ Green." Jane didn't wait for a reply; not that she'd expected to get any, given the way Maura was behaving. The woman nodded and smiled her way and turned back to Maura.

Jane knew that very instant that she did not like the new ADA, and she'd get flak for it.

Maura led Julia to her office, away from the oblivious and now raucous lab technicians. As Julia stood appraising the décor, Maura saw the woman's suit and nodded a small knowing smile.

"You'll have to forgive me, but I positively must know. Is that an Escada?"

Julia laughed in earnest. "Well now, if that isn't a well trained eye!"

Maura smiled embarrassed. "Actually, I saw it last week, and was so tempted to buy it. It _is_ a gorgeous suit."

"It _is_ nice, isn't it? Way out my league too… To be honest, I could never afford it; it's a good luck present from my mom for my new job. I was afraid it might look too pretentious, but it is just _so_ comfortable and nice."

"It suits you perfectly, and it is not pretentious: it's classy, elegant, but not over the top. Perfect for your job."

Maura and Julia stood smiling at each other, in silence, for a brief moment. Maura felt a strange tingle inside. She briefly assessed her reaction; it was surprisingly pleasant.

"So, how can I help you?"

Julia explained that she had read all the reports but she needed help with the forensic procedures and process.

"I'd like to cover just a few basics and agree on a proper meeting to go in depth. I can imagine that, as Chief Medical Examiner, you must be terribly busy."

Maura was happy to help even though she had a rather large backlog demanding her attention. This was not only a very public case, but it was also one of her biggest ones ever so she was quite willing doing whatever it took to ensure a guilty verdict.

Maura invited Julia to sit. She felt a pang of pride when Julia's eyes focused on the Rashid chair and grew wide, recognizing and admiring it. She chose the couch next to it and gave her an outline of the key turning points on the case. Julia followed her attentively, stopping her every now and then to ask a clarifying question and take notes. When Maura finished, Julia estimated they'd need a morning, perhaps two, to cover all the procedures and then prepare her for court.

Maura was quite impressed with the efficiency and laser focus of the young ADA, but even more so when, as she got up to fetch her laptop, Julia asked her if the masks on her wall were from West Africa. It turned out to be that Julia was a travel enthusiast and had visited several African countries. Soon, the case was left behind as they exchanged travel routes, tips and memories. The conversation about travel soon moved to art and from there to history.

When Maura's phone beeped a few moments later, she realized it was the alert she had set to meet Jane at the Dirty Robber. That meant she had spent more than two hours talking to Julia. Instead of being nervous about her glaring disregard for her duties, she felt a pang of regret that she had to stop the conversation.

Julia saw the slight frown on Maura's face and stood up. "I'm sorry, I'm afraid I've stolen too much of your time."

"It was a pleasure. We should meet again soon." Her eagerness was surprising, but was also easy to rationalize: they had to get down to details as long as they were fresh in her mind.

Julia turned to the door, but hesitated before turning back to Maura.

"I have a crazy idea. I was really enjoying our conversation. If you don't have plans, maybe we can continue over lunch?" Julia flashed a smile, and Maura felt disappointed she couldn't.

"I can't today, but what about tomorrow?" Her renewed eagerness startled her but Julia's smile made her forget about it.

"Tomorrow is fine. I'll find a place and send you the details." Julia's easy, catchy smile echoed in Maura.

After the ADA left, Maura sat back at her desk struggling to believe that she had just spent so much time conversing with a stranger, a work colleague, as if they were good friends. Hours that had felt like minutes. She was _not_ good with live people, but it had felt so natural, so easy.

Actually, it felt as if Julia had brightened the entire morgue.

.

* * *

.

Jane sat in their favorite booth tapping her foot and rubbing the scars on her hands, as she heard Maura mention Julia's name for the tenth time.

"So. _Julia,_ huh?"

"What about her?" Maura's answer was flat but her eyes were consciously trained on her plate, aware that she may have been a bit over enthusiastic and chatty.

Jane tilted her head, assessing Maura through narrowed eyes.

"Can't believe you didn't notice how she checked you out. Like _big time_. All smiley and stuff."

"That's preposterous. Clearly Julia is not gay. She was just being friendly and we happen to share many interests. And even if she were… checking me out, that's her problem, not mine. She is a very polite person." Maura's tense brow and lips made sure the conversation ended right there.

"Hey, it's not like that. It was just… ah, forget it." Jane brushed her hand on her hair and pressed her fingertips to her forehead. "I'm sorry. Maybe it has nothing to do with her. I'm just going out of my mind here, nothing challenging to do for days."

"So I am your challenge?" Maura was not impressed.

"You're not, I didn't say that, and stop twisting my words. But it's still funny that you didn't notice it."

"Noticed what?"

"Maura! Really? That chick is so into you! And by listening to you, I bet that if she were a man, you'd be all over him already."

Jane's eyes grew bigger, shocked at the hint of reproach in her words, but it was too late to even try and fix it – or even understand it.

Maura pursed her lips, suddenly deep in thought. After a few moments, she smiled and waved her hand, making a conscious decision not to get dragged down by Jane's lack of interesting work. "You need to find a real case to investigate, Jane. And even if she were _into me_ , like you say, she hasn't done anything but be most pleasant."

"Ooh-kay then." Jane tapped on the table with her palms, as if trying to squash an unnamed nagging feeling and a budding bad mood. "I must get back to my exciting pile of papers and dead end leads."

But Jane's mood was about to get worse. As they reached the door they were greeted by sudden downpour.

Maura had a small foldable umbrella in her large bag but it was barely enough to cover one person. Maura hooked an arm through Jane's, bringing her close; it was barely enough to cover the left side of her head and shoulder but better than nothing. They half-walked, half-trotted back to the office, hopelessly trying to avoid the rain that seemed to attack them from all angles. Maura's high heels had become water clogged and were making squishing sounds every time she took a step. Jane thought it was amusing. Maura was about to protest when she realized it _was_ funny. They arrived at the station dripping wet from waist down but bent in laughter.

Maura took her emergency bag and went to the toilet. A short while later she emerged in new dry clothes and immaculate hair. She settled at her desk to continue preparing the due reports when her phone beeped. It was a message from Julia.

' _Thanks for the lovely chat. I made a reservation at my favorite restaurant. Hope you like it. See you tomorrow at 12:30?'_

Maura felt again an odd but pleasant fluster in her stomach. She wrote down the address, sent a quick reply and spent the rest of the day in an airy, oddly chirpy mood.

.

* * *

.

Maura could tell by the natural light coming through her window that she was running late. One look at her bed screamed her indecision as to what to wear; dresses, suits, blouses and pants piled up after one hour of trying them all – some more than once.

She kept expecting Jane to come in any second but neither door or phone gave signs of life. Jane had passed up on her invitation to come around last night. Maura guessed it'd be a matter of time until she either was assigned a murder case or found a way to channel the pent up energy. In any case, if it continued like this by the weekend, she'd drag her out of Boston for some or other item on her bucket list; the same bucket list Jane had hastily written down months ago, and which she had kept after she forgot it on the couch one night, never to speak of it again.

Jane's comments at the Dirty Robber still nagged her intermittently, especially now that she wondered why she was having so much trouble picking out something to wear. It was easy to rationalize it as a being unfocused on her personal care, and life in general, due to a high volume of work. It was easy, now that she got down to it, to rationalize Jane's comments as the product of an idle brilliant detective mind. There was nothing to think twice about. She felt happy with her conclusion as she picked her favorite new navy dress; the one that she felt confident highlighted her complexion.

Jane was already at the precinct when she arrived, as she found out from Frankie who was on his way out as she walked in.

"What the hell has gotten into her?" Frankie confided in Maura, gesturing up with his thumb, towards the elevator. "She goes from barking to not saying a word."

Maura shook her head. "She needs to be busy, she'll be fine. But I'll talk to her later."

She didn't.

She found a hit-and-run victim waiting for her when she walked in and the morning flew by, busier than ever. Her phone beeped to warn her of her lunch meeting and her first thought was Jane. The promise to go see her after lunch appeased her as she changed out of her examining gown. A quick glance into her pocket mirror confirmed her make-up was still spotless, but she took her compact out to erase an almost invisible spot. As she fixed it, she heard Jane's voice in a corner of her mind. _"She is so into you!"_ It had been an irrelevant, preposterous even, remark despite its insistence in coming back to her. Julia seemed to be the most pleasant ADA she had ever met, and there was nothing more to it.

She left the morgue convinced of that.

Almost convinced.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 02**

* * *

Maura had never been to the restaurant Julia had chosen. She had heard of it, but then again, her list of things to do was ever increasing and time was never enough. As she stepped into the courtyard of what had been once a factory she gasped. It had a few large trees – obviously transplanted, for the renovations seemed fairly recent-, shading the tables underneath. Maura was so thankful that the downpour earlier had been just that. The sun had come out again and it was dancing with the natural, almost organic, decoration of the restaurant. Julia was sitting at a table in a secluded corner, next to a wall covered with jasmine. The fragrance was most pleasant but not overpowering, and Maura felt like she had been magically transported out of town. She made a mental note to bring Jane before spring was over.

When Julia saw her approach, she got up and extended her hand.

Maura smiled. "My French education compels me to greet you the Continental way, if you don't mind." She leaned over graciously and gave Julia a kiss on each cheek. Actually, it was more of an approaching of skin on skin rather than full contact. It was the logical, warmer greeting almost mandatory after Julia had gone to the trouble to find such a delightful setting for their meeting. It was so logical to Maura that she didn't even notice the flush in Julia's face.

The waiter seemed to know Julia quite well. He greeted her with a tall glass of cold lemon water and a big smile.

"Don't tell me. You don't have much time."

Julia smiled apologetically. "I don't, you know how it is. But you know I rather rush through one of your wonderful meals than have more time by having to deal with a greasy burger."

Maura could see Jane's scoff in her mind, although she had to admit she understood Julia. This was exactly what she needed.

"So, he's the owner?" Maura followed him with her eyes, then turned to meet Julia's intense brown gaze.

"Yes, Aidan. We were best friends in high school; a shy and bullied scrawny guy who loved to cook instead of partying. Look at him now; this is his dream come true."

"Can't blame him. So you went to school here in Boston?"

"Yes, born and raised. Didn't even leave for college – BCU graduate." Julia's smile was contagious. She seemed to have this glowing outlook on life, which was almost incomprehensible for an assistant District Attorney.

While Julia was reading the menu, Maura seized the opportunity and took a discreet but good look at her. Her eyes seemed to smile all the time, even when she was concentrated. It made her face glow; not that she needed any help making her more beautiful that she naturally was. Dark curls were firmly tucked away in a bun that framed her finely shaped face. Her olive skin looked fresh, making her look younger than the mid-thirties Maura calculated her to be.

Julia raised her dark eyes and met Maura's with a friendly but deep stare. A fleeting twist inside made Maura feel airy and she forced her eyes down, lost for a second in what tasted like an adrenalin rush. _She is so into you, Maur…_ Jane's voice whispered inside her head again. With a deep breath, she shut Jane out and decided to fully enjoy this new acquaintance.

And enjoy she did. Conversation flowed naturally, from work to travel, from fashion to movies, from art to food, all peppered with laughter and an uncanny sense of belonging. This was the second time in her life that she had felt as good and relaxed with anyone. The more they talked, the easier it became. It was exhilarating.

The buzz on the table went ignored until the culprit phone touched a glass in its vibrating fury.

"Excuse me, it's the office. I need to take this." As Julia didn't get up from the table to take the call, even Maura's best manners couldn't help her from overhearing about the postponed meeting.

"So. Meeting postponed. What do you say we go back to your office and continue reviewing the case?"

Maura shifted in her chair, ready to go. Had anyone, apart from Jane, suggested an impromptu meeting in the middle of a workday and she would have found it highly inappropriate, but Julia was pure energy, passion. She clearly loved what she did; actually, she seem to love everything she did, and that zest for life was a magnet for her proper, restrained self.

Half an hour later they were sitting on the couch in Maura's office going through every detail of the forensic evidence.

Julia pointed at a post-it note on the folder.

"Oh, that's Jane's… Detective Rizzoli's handwriting. We should ask her to join us, I'm sure she'll be able to help you with that and more…"

"I'll need to spend time with her too, but I'd prefer it if we focused on the forensics for now. I already read the case files but I found the studies you performed way over my head."

Maura shifted in her seat, suddenly self-conscious. "Well, I'm sure if I were to pour over the legalese of your case I'd be over my head too."

Julia's soft laughter inundated the room. "Oh, I doubt that. But I won't test you on that; you'll probably amaze us both. In any case, this is not so much about legalese; we have all the evidence we need. It's just the way you managed to put all the pieces together, the techniques you used…"

Maura smiled self-consciously and shook her head. "It's not just me. My team worked on this just as hard, and we have excellent equipment…"

"But it was you who looked for something that nobody else could have imagined being there, _and_ managed to find it."

Maura shifted in her seat, a sting of pride straightening her spine. Treading carefully around her ego, she had to admit that this had been _her_ case. She knew she felt particularly proud about it, but that was nothing compared to the look of pride in Jane's eyes. That look had felt even better than solving the case; it was a look that she had seen before but it meant so much to her every time she saw it.

Julia's look now was not of pride, but of sincere admiration. It was genuine, but it made Maura feel agitated; somehow she sensed that the admiration went beyond her professional achievements, and maybe Jane was right. But what if she was right? What if Julia indeed harbored something beyond friendly feelings? Would that be so bad? It wouldn't be the first time she became friendly with a lesbian, or the first time she was attracted one. She could easily find a way around it. The flurry inside was now more marked and she realized that Jane was right: if Julia were a man, she'd be swooning over him already. But Julia was a woman, and she was not into women. Such was the way of things.

Maura flattened her hands gently on her thighs as if closing her line of thought and got up.

"Well… You know my office door is always open to the DA's office, but I'm afraid I have to face a really busy afternoon." As soon as she ended the sentence Maura regretted it. She could see the effect of her words on Julia; the smile in her eyes was gone, now replaced by a polite stare down. In a desperate attempt for redemption, she continued.

"But I know we still have work to do. May I suggest we find another time this week?" Maura stood watching Julia's reaction, and breathed more easily to see the spark back in those deep, unsettling eyes.

"Of course, I have abused of your time. I had not planned to overextend lunch so much, but…"

Maura nodded. She hadn't either, but she didn't regret it. In fact, she would have much preferred stay talking to Julia than facing a mountain of paper work, but she had no choice.

Julia quietly gathered folders and papers into her bag and stood up without making eye contact. As she reached the door she turned around to face Maura.

"How do you call it? The Continental Way? I like it." Julia leaned over and touched with her lips Maura's cheeks. The contact was brief and soft, but it was a full contact of lips on skin.

"I'll call you soon." Julia gave her a wide smile and left.

Maura stood speechless, trying to process the distinctive tingling on her skin and flush inside. As the ADA left the morgue, she touched her cheek with her fingers, puzzled.

That's how Jane found her.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Thanks for all the comments and reviews! I can't say much (the story will) but remember: sometimes, nothing is what it seems and often there is a reason for everything...

.

 **Chapter 03**

* * *

Jane entered the room with her thumb pointing out the door.

"Was that our new friendly ADA?"

"Hello, Jane. Nice to see you too." Maura allowed Jane into her office and closed the door behind them, hiding all traces of her intense reaction to Julia's goodbye kisses.

"What was she doing here _again_?"

Jane's comment carried an underlying aggressiveness that felt like a cold slap after the easy, comfortable lunch and the intense goodbye.

"You don't like her, and I don't understand why." Maura turned around, unsure she could stand to be interrogated by Jane.

"I don't have to like the ADA, we just have to work together."

Jane comment was flat, but Maura knew best. Jane was still high-strung from her lack of interesting work and Julia somehow seemed to provide her with an easy target. Still, Maura couldn't stop a wave of anger lapping at her chest. She understood Jane, but the dry comments and unpleasantness of her tone, right after the wonderful afternoon talking and working with Julia, was more than she wanted to take.

"Is there anything you wanted, Detective Rizzoli?" Maura's icy tone made Jane back down.

"What? Wow, okay. Don't Detective me, please." Jane raised her palms up. "I just wanted to say hi. Had a shitty night, didn't sleep much." She smiled at Maura tentatively at first. When she saw cracks on Maura's façade, Jane gave her a full dimpled-smile that disarmed her completely.

"Hi, Maura, how are you today?"

"Hi, Jane." Maura conceded over a smile. "That's better."

"Okay then. I'm going nuts. Feel like grabbing a pizza later at my place?"

Maura wanted time to reflect on today's events and her reactions to Julia, but she really missed Jane. She wanted to share with her all she had shared with Julia, and how good it was to meet interesting new people, but she knew she couldn't not, as long as Jane was as tense as she was.

"Maur?"

Jane was bending forward in front of her, trying to get their eyes to connect, the apologetic grin washing the frown away. Maura laughed.

"Fine, but I've got much work to do, so I'll be late."

"How late? Come on, Maur, the bodies are well refrigerated; the paperwork mountain will not grow legs. Please?"

Maura took a deep breath. "Oh, okay. I'll be there around 7:30 or 8."

"7. And you bring the pizza."

Maura laughed. "Okay, 7:15 and _you_ get the pizza."

"That's what deliveries are for. Laters!"

"Jane?"

Jane stopped and turned around.

"I'm glad you are in a better mood."

Jane's smile for Maura washed away the second she turned around. The bad mood was gnawing just below the surface, but she just couldn't stand upsetting Maura by dumping her frustrations on her. That is not what friends are for, even though a little bitching was just _so_ much fun.

She left the precinct at 6:30 that evening and drove past Maura's favorite Italian restaurant. She ordered a large pizza with all Maura's green-and-healthy toppings, ordered a cold Blue Moon and settled at the bar to wait. She could have chosen any other pizzeria and asked for a delivery, but this was Maura's favorite. Also, the gesture of driving up and taking the time to order a pizza unique to Maura's taste was an odd but effective way to feel she was making amends.

She knew how out of line she'd been, even if she didn't fully understand why. Maura hadn't done anything to upset her. Her restlessness was not Maura's fault. Her work was like that, but that wasn't a comfort. Taking a long, slow swig from the bottle, her mind went back to the ADA's eyes checking Maura out, Maura's strange –almost flustered reaction- after the ADA had left, and Maura's excitement when talking about her nonstop back at the Dirty Robber. She could have dismissed it all after a joke or two, except that she hadn't. Something about the whole thing was off, and couldn't put her finger on it as much as it seemed to be nagging her.

As she drove home, the smell of the hot pizza dismissed all processing. She behaved like an ass and that was that. The pizza and a relaxing evening would make it all much better.

Jane left the pizza inside the warmer drawer of the oven and rushed through a much needed relaxing shower. She had just changed into comfortable sweatpants and an old T-shirt when the bell rang. It was exactly 7:15 pm.

"You get an A for timing, Dr. Isles. Or did you smell the wonderful pizza and rushed before it got cold?"

Maura smiled and settled in the couch, letting her muscles relax for the first time all day. Jane brought napkins, a bottle of wine and the pizza and got comfortable next to her.

"So, movie?"

"I rather enjoy the silence for a while. It's been a rather testing day."

"Okay. So I will not speak then." Jane covered her mouth with her hand with a theatrical gesture. Her eyes sparkled above her hand and Maura shook her head, smiling.

"You know I didn't mean it like that." Maura looked at the box. "Oh, this pizza is wonderful! But La Mamma does not deliver…"

"Nope, they don't."

"Did you go all the way there to get this?"

"Yep." Jane could barely contain her smug grin.

Maura checked the pizza toppings. "And this pizza is not on their menu either! Oh Jane, you're such a good friend…"

"You say that now that I'm not in a bite-your-head off mood."

"Oh, you always are a good friend, the best of friends, even if you are growling." Maura's smile was genuine; her eyes could never lie, and they stared into Jane's almost adoringly. Jane smiled back, holding Maura's gaze for a few seconds before putting her armor back on.

"Good. So that's settled then. Glad you like the pizza. I'm starving! Tell me about your day."

Maura shifted in her seat and took a bite of her pizza, avoiding Jane's eyes.

The clue that something was amiss didn't go unnoticed.

Jane squinted and stretched her lips. "I _so_ own your butt. What did you do?"

"What do you mean?" Maura looked away, praying that Jane wouldn't notice the flush in her face.

Jane scrutinized Maura. "Don't tell me that our new smiley neighborhood ADA has anything to do with it."

Maura shrugged, focusing on her pizza. "We went for lunch, then continued working at my office. It was a… a nice business lunch amongst new colleagues." Maura continued to hide behind her now tiny pizza slice.

"Maura, hives…"

"Okay. All right. She invited me for lunch and it was incredible, she took me to this restaurant in a reconverted warehouse that has tables on the courtyard under these lovely trees and she is such a nice person, so well-travelled, and knows about art and fashion and history and…"

"Wow, wow. Stop. Breathe. What the hell has gotten into you?" Jane leaned back, as if pushed by the mighty force of the realization that Maura was actually infatuated with the ADA. Worse even: Maura was smitten with another woman.

The room shrank to the size of that single thought.

Maura left the pizza crust in the box and began to rub clean her fingertips, even when there was barely any trace of food on them to begin with.

The heavy silence amongst them started to choke Jane. Part of her was amused, but the biggest part of her was completely, utterly shocked. She took a large breath and spoke slowly and calmly.

"Maura? Do you realize that you sound like you are completely infatuated with this woman?"

Maura pressed her lips, eyebrows almost begging, and nodded.

Jane was terrified to ask what she really wanted to know, but the detective in her was stronger. "Did anything happen?"

Maura shook her head, running her fingertips along her eyebrows. No rationalization could save her now from the fact that her skin still tingled just by remembering Julia's chaste but intense kisses. Jane was right: if Julia were a man there would be no question about it. Still, Julia hadn't said, implied or done anything beyond being her charming self. That goodbye kiss could be just part of her effusive self, and nothing more. Maybe it was all in her head.

"I feel so silly." Maura blurted out, covering her face with her hands.

Maura's answer threw Jane off balance. It was not what she expected, although she didn't know what to expect anymore.

"Silly? Why?"

"I don't know. I don't know what's happening to me, Jane. I have all the telltale signs, but it can't be. How can it be?"

"Well, I don't know, but look at you." Jane chewed on the insides of her lips, completely uncertain how to react, what to say, think or even feel.

"What do I do now, Jane?" Maura's hands were now crossed on her lap, compulsively straightening out an invisible wrinkle in the hem of her skirt.

"I don't know. Nothing? Relax and get your head straight?" Jane giggled at her own words.

Maura frowned at her. "Why are you laughing now?"

"Get your head _straight_. Get it? Oh, forget it, bad joke. I dunno, Maura. This is, I don't know, so not like you."

"The strangest thing is that I actually haven't felt like this for a guy in… well… I haven't. Not even for Jack, and I liked him the second I saw him."

"Are you telling me you just decided to flip like that?"

"Oh, what a crude way of putting it. No, Jane. This is not about _flipping_ or any such thing. This is about a specific set of reactions in a completely different circumstance."

They sat in silence for a while. _So much for the special pizza and the quiet time_ , Jane thought, while grabbing a now barely warm slice and began to chew on it, just to do something.

Maura pointed at the pizza box. "Can I have one, please?" She wasn't hungry, but eating made it all look normal.

But nothing felt _normal_ anymore. Maura had a crush on a woman and Jane felt even more confused that Maura did.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 04**

* * *

 _No matter what, I'll be fine. I can deal with anything._

Jane still clearly remembered her words back at the Dirty Robber the night of the Maura's sweat lodge revelations; the night of her own revelation. She sniggered. It had felt so clear then, but the past couple of days had proven her wrong.

A new case came in the morning after the pizza night and she had thrown herself body and soul on it. It wasn't a particularly difficult case: drive-by shooting with casings, witnesses, threats, motive: the whole package. She begged Korsak to run with it instead of giving it to Frankie, hoping that it'd take her mind off things, off Maura's infatuation with the ADA.

The pizza evening had been the last time she had spent any real time with Maura. They had texted and met for a quick coffee a couple of times but the past couple of days had been all about work. Nothing personal was discussed, but it was not a conscious decision to hide or avoid something. They were both convinced of that. When they thought of each other, or needed something, they texted and then back to work.

If they both believed everything was okay, then it was.

It was simple.

Or so Jane thought, wondering why she still felt a choking heaviness in her chest. She missed Maura and two days of texting and coffee wasn't enough. She decided to go downstairs to see her; the report on the drive-by-shooting wasn't urgent but Maura should have it by now.

.

* * *

.

Maura was downstairs, working at one of the examination tables.

She too had opted for avoidance. Not just with Jane, but with Julia too. Distance was what she needed to figure what had happened her. She had to precisely disembowel each and every one of her reactions to understand why she was reacting like she was. She only communicated with Julia by text, to set up another meeting – possibly their last. She locked her away, knowing that today at 11 she would be seeing her again and everything would be sorted out after lunch. She had barely seen Jane lately, but they were both finally busy. She was glad for Jane.

All was well under control.

She focused again on the preliminary notes on her examination of the jumper lying on the examination table. A soft touch on her upper arm nearly made her drop her pen. Holding her breath, she turned around; it was Jane.

"Didn't mean to frighten you. I said Hi when I came in." Jane turned to the table and winced. The guy was pretty broken up, and Jane knew it wasn't one of her cases: the guy had thrown himself out of his office building roof-top in front of firemen, police and a huge crowd.

"Jane! Good morning!" She gave Jane one of her wide, all-teeth smiles.

"How can you be so chirpy with…" Jane pointed at the body on the table. "He is pretty messed up."

"What? Oh, well, I guess I'm used to it."

"Brought you some coffee."

"Oh, wonderful! Thanks, Jane! I really need that." Maura took the gloves off and accepted the still hot coffee paper mug.

"So, do you have the final report on the drive-by shooting?"

Maura raised a finger while sipping her coffee. "Yes, I meant to tell you about it but it's been really busy. Let me get it for you."

While Maura was inside her office, Julia Green walked in. Jane was busy drinking her coffee, which saved her from showing the grimace that twisted her face.

"Detective Rizzoli, Hi" Julia gave Jane a sincere smile but it faded away against Jane's nod and forced silent reply. "Is Dr. Isles in?"

Jane looked towards Maura's office, and saw Maura coming back.

Julia followed Jane's eyes and her face lit up when she saw Maura.

"Julia! Is it 11 already? Oh my, I'm sorry, I'm running slightly behind. You are welcome to wait in my office while I finish up here."

"Great! I have a couple of phone calls to make so…" Julia turned to Jane, who stood frowning with her arms folded over her chest, still holding her coffee cup. "Detective, nice to see you again."

Jane wished the woman would stop smiling. She stretched her lips.

"Miss Green."

Maura glanced at Jane, flustered. Jane's eyebrows shot up questioningly. Maura shrugged and forced a little smile.

"We have to finish preparing the deposition."

"Is lunch part of the deposition?"

Maura flushed deeply. "Lunch?"

"Oh come on, Maura, check the time. How convenient…" Jane's mood parked next to her car, in the lowest floor of the building.

Maura's shoulders wiggled slightly and she turned around, dismissing the nasty undertone of Jane's comment. "Now that you mention it, lunch was _my_ idea."

Jane nodded, biting the need to confront Maura. She was doing nothing wrong, but Jane felt the urge to do something about it, to stop her if she had to. She frowned, unable to understand the reason for her illogical, visceral reaction. Given that she could not restrain herself anymore, decided for the only logical course of action for a best friend: retreat.

"Alright, let me leave you to it. Is that the case file?" Jane pointed at Maura's chest; she was holding the folder behind her folded arms.

Maura seemed to snap out of a train of thought. "Oh, yes, of course. So I'll see you tonight at my place." Maura smiled at her, again as if nothing had happened.

"Yay, Friday Night!" Her frown dissolved with the prospect of a nice, relaxed time with Maura. She looked inside Maura's office and saw Julia waiting for Maura. The frown returned in full force.

 _I can handle anything. Yeah, right._

Jane left for her desk wishing she could go to the gym instead and punch the biggest bag she could find.

.

* * *

.

Maura entered her office and found Julia pacing nervously while talking on the phone. Her tone was dry, precise, and almost clinical. It was a side of her she had not seen yet, but it did not surprise Maura. She had to have that in her to get to where she was. What did surprise her was seeing Julia turn around mid sentence, meet her eyes and smile with them while scolding someone on the phone. Her intense gaze showed sheer happiness, even when angry about something –or someone- else. It made Maura feel special, wanted, appreciated.

Maura settled on the couch waiting for Julia to end the call, which happened almost immediately.

"Sorry about that. Someone at the office lost a huge opportunity at a case. Sheer incompetence aggravated by the most absurd display of misogynistic arrogance."

Maura shook her head and raised her palm. "Don't worry about it. Let me get you a cup of coffee. Or would you prefer tea?"

"I'm fine, thanks. Let's get down to this; I need to make up for a shitty morning."

The deposition was ready just in time before lunch. Julia was a quick study and Maura had thoroughly enjoyed explaining in detail the most intricate and technically complex aspects of the case without losing Julia's interest for a second – even if she suspected that much of the technicalities were lost on her. As for the rest of the preparations, she had enough experience with trials to need little help from Julia.

Maura saw how Julia leaned back and stretched on the couch, looking both extremely at ease and pleased. She blushed when Julia realized she was being stared at. The blush deepened when Julia held her gaze and smiled at her.

"So, should we go?" Maura got up and started to pack. "I made a reservation for 1:30." She looked at her watch knowing exactly what the time was, but it was a good excuse as any to break the intensity of the moment.

They drove separate cars to the restaurant; it was just the right amount of time Maura needed to strengthen her resolve.

Julia seemed delighted with Maura's choice of restaurant. She didn't spare compliments that, delivered in her spontaneous way, felt sincere, profoundly satisfying Maura's need for approval. As the maître ushered them to their table, Maura became aware of the clear signs of her somatic responses to anxiety. Taking small controlled breaths she tamed the onset of what clearly was headed towards a panic attack.

They sat in silence as they reviewed the menu. After ordering, Julia broke the ice with a silly but amusing incident she had earlier in the day. A few laughs later, Maura felt more at ease, allowing the conversation to flow and herself to fully enjoy the company. When desserts arrived, they were discussing cases. Julia seemed fascinated with Maura's involvement not only in the forensics aspects, but also with the cases themselves.

"I suppose that Jane and I work very well together. And we had our fair share of murderers zeroing on us, too, which somehow made me part of several investigations. But that's what you get when your best friend is a detective and you work side by side."

"Best friend?"

"Yes, Jane is my best friend."

Julia's face lit up and Maura realized that Julia was happy that Jane and her were _only_ friends. This had to mean that she _was_ a lesbian and that she _was_ interested in her. Her next thought appeared through spoken words.

"Oh. You thought that we-"

"That you two were more than friends?" Julia shrugged. "I have to confess, I did."

Maura laughed, waving away the idea. "Of course not. I'm single. I'm not- we're not lesbians."

Julia raised her palms.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed." The apology carried with it a strong tinge of disappointment.

Maura barely hid her own disappointment; this was not how it was all supposed to happen. Instead of talking about whatever it was that was happening between them, they were discussing Jane and her own heterosexuality. It was too late to rewind, so the next best thing was to understand why Julia thought she was a lesbian, and involved with Jane.

"So what made you think that about us?"

Julia smiled softly, her eyes not following the gesture.

"Well… remember the day we met? I was standing behind you, at the door, gathering the courage to step into your celebration. I saw you two, how you looked at each other and, I don't know… You seemed very close… very much in love."

Maura's mouth fell open. _Very much in love?_ Time stood still while Maura digested that thought. One thing was having some bored detective or other speculating on the nature of their relationship –even when knowing the truth-, and quite another was to have a lesbian get that impression from the way Jane and Maura looked at each other.

"Are you okay?" Julia placed a warm hand on Maura's forearm. "You look pale."

Maura smiled, swallowing to relax her larynx. "I am detecting an increased activity in my sympathetic system."

Julia's eyes silently voiced her perplexity, leaving Maura mortified.

"Fight or flight instinct. A normal reaction when faced with a situation too intense or threating. The sympathetic nervous system engages in…" Maura realized that Julia was not following her. She took a deep breath and smiled. "When I get nervous I either seek refuge in scientific knowledge or talk a lot, very fast." She smiled self-consciously. "Like now."

Julia tilted her head, sat back and tucked her already neat hair behind her ear. Her expression was unreadable and Maura wrapped her hands on the napkin, discretely wiping her palms dry.

Julia leaned forward. "So are you nervous because I thought you and Jane were a couple, or because I assumed you were also a lesbian?"

 _Also a lesbian._

There it was, finally out in the open.

.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** A very short, but intense chapter...

 **Chapter 05**

* * *

Julia had just admitted that she was a lesbian, but that fact -by itself- did not make Maura nervous. In fact, she concluded that being a lesbian would explain why Julia would have confused two very close female friends for lovers. What made her really nervous was being so aware of Julia's body next to hers, and feeling again like an inadequate teenager.

Julia's honesty had really moved her; it was time she did the same and finally faced things -as she had decided during the last couple of days.

Finding Julia's eyes, she inhaled deeply and started. "Meeting and getting to know you these past few days has been most pleasant."

"Hmm. I sense a 'but'... Why does getting to know me make you nervous?" Julia seemed to be hanging on to every word with a glimmer of hope in her eyes."

Maura pressed her lips by the way of a smile and struggled on. "Not a 'but', but yes, you are right. There is more. I am… perplexed by the sheer intensity and nature of the connection we seem to be having." Maura knew she was being too vague, too indecisive, too unclear, but this was a completely new territory and the map had disintegrated against Julia's intense stare and her own overwhelming reactions to it. "There is something I can't explain that makes me very... nervous."

Julia's laugh startled Maura.

"Sorry, I'm not laughing at you. I get that all the time, it's like a curse. I don't live life; I devour it. Many are put off by it, some like it, but it seems outside my control," Julia took a deep breath and sat back, her eyes following the pattern traced by her fingertips on the smooth linen tablecloth. "I can't help it. Especially not with you."

Maura's heart skipped a beat.

"Thing is, I _really_ like you, Maura. You are smart, incredibly knowledgeable, well travelled, kind, beautiful." She smiled, trying to downplay the emotion in her eyes. "I also find you very attractive, and I guess that's a great part of the intensity you felt. But, because I thought that you were involved with Jane, I was really not expecting more than getting to know you, spend time with you as friends. It's been such a long, long time since I met someone with whom I seem to have so much in common, and I don't want to give _that_ up."

Maura stopped breathing for a second, unable to understand Julia's words.

"Don't worry, Maura. Even if you are not involved with Jane, you are still not gay, so there's nothing to worry about... Like I said, I just really hope we can be friends -if you can live with my intensity, that is." Julia, for the first time ever, had not a trace of a smile on her face. Her eyes shone clear, honest, holding Maura's with a moving mixture of resignation and hope. Her next words were soft, almost pleading. "Do you think there is a chance we can continue seeing each other?"

Maura shook her head; confusion raging against disappointment until it pushed outwards. Her voice came out hoarse, dry, softly, almost as if she was thinking aloud.

"I know I don't understand why you are giving up before even trying."

Julia stared at her, baffled, but her eyes shined with hope. And just like that, they clouded and the contact was broken. She sat back, eyes firmly cast down, but Maura could still see the deep lines crossing her forehead.

Instant regret cursed her body. "I'm sorry, Julia, I didn't mean to upset you… I-"

"Oh, no, no, Maura. You didn't say anything wrong."

It was Maura's turn to be baffled.

Julia heard the unspoken question. "What I mean is… No matter how much I like you, I can't... I- I don't date straight women, Maura. You are straight. I can't."

The confession struck Maura right in the center of her chest. It couldn't be. She couldn't have gone through all that she did to get here, only to be disqualified by a lack of experience.

Her answer came out fast and strong, surprising her. "Sexuality is not a series of boxes, Julia. It's a whole spectrum, mostly shaped by social conventions. The fact that I have always been with men, and never attracted to a another woman until now may be due to many factors, none of them forcing me to outright discard opening up to new, unexplored possibilities."

Maura stumbled into Julia's deeply perplexed eyes. With no more words to help her through this, she let her hand extend over the table and reach Julia's. She covered it, trembling and sweaty, and she didn't care. She needed to touch her, find confirmation to what she already knew. Tremors cursed through her body with such intensity that she felt like crying, although she knew she wouldn't allow herself to. She could feel the trepidation in Julia's tense hand. When Julia finally met her eyes, she saw her caught in the grip of an ancient struggle.

Maura felt herself falling forward until her lips were touching Julia's, not caring if the entire world saw.

The kiss was soft, so soft.

It was nice, very nice.

And then it was over, as Julia leaned back and exhaled, her eyes closed.

Maura opened her eyes and since she couldn't read Julia's reaction, she panicked. "Sorry, I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me. Please forgive me, Julia."

"For kissing me?" She laughed softly, meeting Maura's eyes again. "Never apologize for a kiss as sweet as that. I've been wanting to do that every time I looked at you, but..."

Maura's head was spinning. Part of her wanted to dive in again, part of her wanted to leave and forget this all, but she knew she couldn't. The connection was there; the kiss confirmed it, but the echo of rejection was deafening.

"Why did you kiss me, Maura?"

Maura tilted her head, still dizzy from the contact. "I wanted to. I had to." Then she realized the implications of it. "And now you can't say I'm completely straight."

Julia laughed, shaking her head. She looked at Maura with a warm smile in her eyes and, reaching out softly, she caressed her face.

"You are an incredible woman, Dr. Isles."

Maura felt good, back in control even in the face of a completely new situation. It felt easy, simple, natural. She looked at their now linked hands.

"So… what do we do now?"

Julia squeezed Maura's hand just before releasing it gently. "Now we need time to figure out what we want to do. Both of us."

.

* * *

 **A/N** : Really curious to know: Did you see all that coming? What do you think will happen now? ;)


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 06**

* * *

The evening marked the end of a long, strange yet intensely exciting week. Maura felt she had earned the right to uncork her treasured bottle of the 2005 Chateau Lassegue, Saint-Émilion Grand Cru, and share it with Jane.

With a soft cotton cloth, she gently caressed the bottle from the neck and shoulder, down all along the body. She swapped the cloth for the two-step corkscrew. Unfolding the knife, she placed the sharp end below the lip of the bottle while holding a firm grip on the neck. Pressing her thumb on the neck on the opposite side of the knife she applied just the right amount of pressure until the knife penetrated the foil. Her grip tightened around the neck, while a twist of her wrist began to run the knife twice all around until the foil came loose. In one precise movement, she stripped it the metal skin from the neck. The tip of the corkscrew found the perfect center of the cork, and her hands swiftly rotated the body, taming the resistance until the corkscrew was all the way in. She latched the first step of corkscrew on the top of the bottle and felt the cork move. With the second step firmly lodged in, the naked cork found its way to freedom.

The deep popping sound made her smile, satisfied; the surgical precision required released her tense muscles and the anticipation to discover the wine's body, to absorb its bouquet sent shivers along her body. She would take her time. Her eyes assessed the rich color of the liquid as it poured out of the bottle and twirled into submission inside the crystal womb of the glass.

And that's how Dr. Maura Isles found the peace and strength she needed to face the evening with Jane, which she suspected would not be without storms and crevasses.

"Are you pressing the grapes to make the wine? I'm dying of thirst here… Beer is a lot faster!" Jane's mockingly impatient voice trailed from the couch, making her snap back into the real world.

Maura joined her and gave her a glass. "Please, take your time. You must –"

"Let it catch its breath, I know, I know."

Maura laughed silently, knowing perfectly well Jane was aware that the correct expression was "to let it breathe."

Jane relaxed into the couch watching the liquid go around and around inside her glass as she swirled it. She knew Maura was proud of her stepping up from uncapping a beer to knowing how to savor good wine. Wine wasn't that bad after all, but it still made her want to pee.

"Be right back. Don't drink my wine."

Maura settled in, airing her wine as she ordered her thoughts. Now that she was with alone with Jane for the first time after her lunch with Julia, the first and most nagging concern -apart from Jane's reaction-, was Julia's assumption about them.

Julia had been right about one thing: she did love Jane with all her heart. She couldn't possible imagine life without Jane's constant, reassuring, warm presence, her sense of humor, her moods, her companionship, her unwavering trust. Jane was an incredible person, the best of friends. But it was puzzling that Julia had sensed something more, confusing it all with being _in_ love. It was clearly nothing like that.

She had never felt for Jane what she felt with Julia; Jane had never made her tingle.

Or had she?

Before she considered even thinking about that, Maura discarded the question again as a preposterous one. They had even joked about it once or twice, many years ago, but they mostly ignored the issue, as it did not have any relevance in their lives. Starting to think about it now would be a futile exercise that could only worsen an already tense situation. Satisfied with her conclusion, and just as she was rehearsing mentally a way to tell Jane about what had happened, she heard Jane coming back She saw her long, lean body fall somewhat ungraciously on the couch as Jane made herself at home.

She fondly watched Jane lift the glass until the cold crystal touched the skin below her nostrils. Tilting it and moving it gently awoke a deep bouquet that she inhaled deeply. She lifted the base of the glass until the wine reached her lips.

Maura saw how Jane closed her eyes –just as she had taught her- to concentrate on just the taste.

"Hm. Nice, but a beer goes down easier, a less complex bouquet." Jane turned to Maura and flashed a mischievous, endearing grin.

Maura smiled, overcome with a wave of pride but also something else, something deep and warm that confused her. _Is this what Julia was talking about_? She felt a blush creeping in, and she turned her head to her glass, shocked by the thought. She lifted the glass and took a sip of her wine, focusing on the flavor. It was powerful and young on the palate, with a distinctive taste of red fruits. The finish was very long; the tannins and bright acids in her palate told her she should have decanted it, or have left it for a few years until it really delivered its best.

"So, are we going to spend the rest of the evening swishing wine in our mouths?" Jane's joyful mood gave Maura the encouragement she needed. It was time and there was no point in stalling, which would have only made Jane angry.

"I kissed her." Maura delivered the words quickly, softly but firmly.

Jane's smile froze. Inside the glass she was holding, the wine continued going around and around, completely unaware that its motion was now mimicked by Jane's brain.

"Jane?"

"Heard." The raspy voice groveled out of her mouth and died.

"I liked it."

Jane closed her eyes for a second, concentrating on getting air to her lungs. Then she downed the wine.

Maura ignored what she would have considered sacrilege any other time. Her eyes were pinned on Jane's pale face.

"It bothers you. Why?"

Jane avoided the questioning eyes. _Good question._ _You just sit there for the next 20 years and I may have an answer for you by then._ Jane got up and went to the kitchen to get a beer. When she sat back on the couch, her fingers choked the bottle until her fingertips were white.

"Jane?"

"What?" Her voice verged on exasperation.

"You didn't answer. Why does this bother you?"

"Fine. It doesn't bother me. It's your life. It's the 21st Century. Gay Marriage is legal. It's just… I didn't see _that_ one coming from you."

"You're upset."

"I'm shocked."

"You're not curious?"

Jane looked at Maura and frowned.

"Curious? Why? Are we, like, 15 years old now and we're having a sleepover where you tell me all about your first kiss and I giggle?"

Maura exhaled against the sheer brutality of Jane's words.

Jane heard her, and she turned to Maura, feeling her face melted by regret and rage for her massive out-of-place tone and comment.

"Oh god Maur, I'm sorry, I'm really…. I don't know why I said that." Jane stretched to hold Maura's hand but Maura lifted it out of reach, opening it; the palm was now blocking Jane from afar.

"Don't, Jane."

Jane watched the hand as if it had just slapped her; she would have preferred that to Maura's icy words. She knew that 'upset' was _one_ of the words that described her state of mind but, because it made no sense, she denied it.

 _Denial can make all problems go away._

Except it couldn't.

The problem now was not _just_ Maura kissing a woman; it was also her own behavior. She needed to crawl out of the deep hole her stupidity had dug for her.

"I _am_ upset, Maura, and don't know why. That's it."

"Discombobulated."

Jane's eyes shot up, wide as she could open them, and stared at Maura with a speechless 'what?' hanging from her mouth.

"Confused, disconcerted, frustrated, upset. That is what it means, and that's how you are feeling. That's how _I_ am feeling."

"Kissing that woman made you feel all that?" Jane ventured, her voice thin.

"No, Jane. That is how your reaction makes me feel. The kiss was nice. Very nice."

Dejection forced Jane deep into the couch. Her fingers held onto the beer bottle as if it were an oracle hiding the right thing to do.

The silence fell like a flat hand on their heads.

"Do you want me to go?" Jane ventured eventually, bracing for the worst.

"Of course I don't. Even if this is not how I would have liked you to react, I… expected it."

"You did?"

Maura nodded.

"So not only am I an ass, I'm also a predictable ass?"

"I do not predict behavior, Jane. But based on your behavior regarding Julia, added to your work-related tension, I did anticipate a somewhat negative reaction."

"So I _am_ a predictable ass."

Maura turned to face Jane, her eyes now clear except for a trace of deep sadness.

"Okay." Jane nodded as she met and recognized Maura's gaze, capitulating before her own mess of jumbled thoughts and holding on to the need to see Maura happy.

"Okay?"

Jane shrugged with a grin that betrayed genuine remorse and concern. "Yes, I'm okay." Jane took a deep breath and folded her hands on her lap, some fingers holding the bottle, some rubbing her scars. "We already knew she likes you but, please tell me what on earth has gotten into _you_."

Maura hesitated for a second but Jane seemed interested now –or open, at least, which was better than her initial reaction.

"It took me a while to understand what was going on. Eventually I had to admit you were right; I knew that Julia was attracted to me, and I knew exactly the nature of the reactions I was having to her presence. Like you said, if she were a guy I would have not doubted for a second. So, even though she is a woman, the reactions were real, so I let it happen."

"You let it… _happen_." Jane nodded, but it was clear that she wasn't following her.

"I actually realized that it is not about the gender; it's about the person."

A gust of new, unknown conflicting emotions left Jane's mouth dry and made her dizzy. She shook her head, forcing herself to understand what about the whole thing made her so profoundly uncomfortable. Maura was still Maura. Nothing had really changed.

"Jane?"

"I'm listening." Jane nodded carefully, feeling the room dance in front of her eyes. "Is that a post-sweat lodge revelation?"

Maura smiled and shook her head. "That is not what is troubling me, why I wanted to talk to you."

"It's not? Is there more?" Jane sunk in the couch.

"Well, Julia does not date straight women, and according to my dating history, I am classified as heterosexual."

Jane raised her eyebrows, finally hearing something she could understand.

"Yes. So there you go: you kissed a girl, you liked it, and that's it. No biggie. Write another song."

Maura tilted her head and stretched her lips, ignoring the confusing cultural reference.

"Well, thing is. I really do like her, Jane. I haven't felt like this in a while, and I'd like to see where this could take us, but maybe she's right; I've never been with a woman before and I don't know how it will all turn out." Her eyes unfocused, remembering the kiss, the first touch, her skin tingling, her heart beating wildly. "Although I am quite certain that it will not be an issue for me, I don't want to pressure her now and then maybe end up hurting her. I don't know what to do."

Jane nodded, trying to process the information. No clear thought materialized over the buzzing noise in her ears.

Maura gave Jane time to process and think of something. Doubting she had been clear enough, she continued.

"And this is why I needed you. I'm awful at relationships and you know me better than anyone else; even better than I know myself. I had resigned myself not to finding someone that makes me feel like this again. She does. So it happens that she's a woman, but somehow it doesn't matter. What she makes me feel does. And she has no teenage kids in another city and she's not a serial murderer."

The joke went lost on Jane. She downed the rest of her beer. There was nothing at the end of that bottle to help Jane get out of her dumbstruck state, but at least her mouth was no longer bone dry.

"Please say something?" Maura's plea cut Jane deeply, shaking her out of her concussion-like state.

"Well." Jane finally said, but only air came out. She cleared her throat and tried again. "I may not know you as well as you think. I'm…"

"Speechless, I see."

"Hm."

"But you _do_ know me, Jane. This is new for me too."

Jane agreed in silence, praying that whatever came up next out of her mouth wasn't idiotic or hurtful. Maura was hanging on her every expression and she had to be there for her, no matter what.

"Go for it."

Maura questioned her with her eyes.

"I mean, if you like her, what's the harm. She has more to lose than you, and I doubt you'll hurt her on purpose." Jane's eyes grew wide, amazed at the level-headedness of her own comment.

Maura sat up on the couch and smiled with her lips and eyes. "You're right. Again. You see why I needed you?"

"Glad to help." Jane's smile was not as pure as Maura's. The dizziness had been replaced by a rock in the pit of her stomach. Only Maura's joy and relaxed face kept her together.

"Why is this bothering you so much, Jane?"

"It's not. I don't know. You caught me off guard, I guess. I'm cool." _And I'm lying to Maura through my teeth._ Forcing a smile, she decided to change the subject as fast as she could and pretend that everything was really okay. She really wanted to pretend that nothing had happened, that she didn't care that she was reacting so badly to something that in theory should not bother her.

Truth was that she actually felt like running home, getting in bed and not coming up until some natural catastrophe blew her roof and duvet off. Instead she smiled and pointed at the TV.

"Let's watch that movie."

.

* * *

 **A/N:** I know from your comments and PMs (thanks!) that a lot of you had been waiting in anticipation for the moment Maura and Jane discussed it for the first time. And, finally the time has come. What do you think? Thoughts on what lies ahead? :)


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N:** Thanks and love to all of you who left kind, reassuring messages, and are walking this with me, even if the story is going down an unsettling path. This has been quite a tough story to write, and I am just so grateful to those who are enjoying this slow-build up, and are willing to accept that "sometimes someone has to come along and grease the closet door first..." (thanks for your comment, and LOL, MJ1!)

* * *

 **Chapter 07**

* * *

The iPhone nagged on and on and on, until Jane's fingers found it on her nightstand and brought it under the covers. The brightness of the screen blinded her one half opened eye. The screen told her it was 5:30 am, Saturday, and the voice informed her that someone was lying dead in an alley.

The first conscious thought was "Maura kissed that woman."

She threw the covers back over her head as if they could stop the flood of other confessions, thoughts, and questions -some of them too unsettling to even consider.

The snooze setting kicked in, and she forced her brain to lure her into action with the promise of work.

Less than an hour later she got out of her car and met Korsak at the crime scene. Maura was nowhere in sight. The victim was a scrawny young guy; he was lying over a cardboard with a large brownish stain on it _._ She shook Maura out of her head and pointed at the victim with her chin.

"Drugs?" She ventured when she saw the marks on his arms.

Korsak shrugged. "Possibly, but they didn't kill him; the bullets did. Where's Maura?"

 _How should I know? Why are you asking me? Try her girlfriend._

A familiar tip-tap of high heels grew louder behind them. "I'm here. Good morning, Vince. Jane."

Jane tilted her head and all that her face muscles could come up was a bland simper. Maura's eyes smiled back at her, riding over an affectionate nod.

After Korsak briefed them, an already gloved-up Maura left to tend to the victim. Jane hovered in the background, glad that Korsak had business elsewhere.

Maura call them to join her after her prelim examination was over. "The bullets did not seem to have hit any major organ, but the stabs may have." She pointed at the three entry points. "I'll know more after the autopsy."

Korsak shook his head. "Shot and then stabbed? That's nasty."

"Or proof of an enraged or drugged someone who can't shoot for shit."

"That'd be speculating, Jane." Maura skipped commenting on Jane's choice of words.

"That'd be a way of passing time and having something to go until you do the autopsy." The smirk was softened by the glint on Jane's eyes. "Will you do it today?"

"I'm afraid I have no choice, but don't worry. I'll still have time to help you with the—" Maura cut herself short, stealing a glance at Korsak.

She nodded Jane to follow her. Once they were at a safe distance, Maura continued.

"You asked me for my help to choose a birthday present for Korsak."

Jane's mouth slowly formed an understanding 'O' and nodded. Instead of spending an afternoon moving from the bed to the couch and being a class-A brainless slob, she'd be solving a murder and then trying to stop Maura from buying an entire Mall. She shrugged and nodded.

"I completely forgot about it. Thanks, Maura?" Without knowing why, she didn't vocalize the "What would I do without you" part.

Maura wiggled her shoulders and gave her a tiny smug smile. As she approached her car, Jane's last comment came back, stinging her. Her tone had been flat, but her eyes… Jane seemed sad, despite having sworn she was okay before leaving last night. Out of all possible emotions, Maura wondered why would Jane be _sad_. She pondered on that until she got to the morgue, coming up empty. The chill in the air distracted her, forcing her into full work mode – all fruitless processing forgotten for the time being.

.

* * *

.

Maura sat back on her chair and rubbed the bridge of her nose. The autopsy had taken her longer than expected, which wouldn't have been a problem if her mind hadn't intermittently assaulted her with images of Julia and Jane and a whole ensemble of doubts, questions and insecurities. She felt exhausted.

It had been Jane who had helped her cement her decision. She had made it sound so simple, so easy. But clearly it wasn't simple or easy for Jane. In fact, it was as if she were almost disgusted. It was clear that Jane tended to treat facts as black or white, but she was not a closed-minded person. So why?

"I really hope you had more luck than me." The hoarse, familiar voice made her jolt. Maura raised her head just in time to see Jane letting her body fall on her couch, then wince.

"I had some interesting insights, but you look like you need food and coffee." Maura circled her desk and joined Jane.

Jane groaned and threw her head back. "I don't want to go _shopping_. Let's go for hotdogs and then to the batting cage instead. Please?"

Maura ignored Jane's grin, trying not to dwell on her reaction last time Jane had grinned at her over a glass of wine.

"Do you plan on getting Korsak a season pass for the batting cage for his birthday?"

"There are no seasons passes for… Wait. Was that a joke? Whoa, way to go, Maura!"

Maura shook her head, loving to see Jane joking as usual. "Come on, let's go get something to eat before shopping. Leave your car at home, I'll drive you."

.

* * *

.

"Seriously. Cambridge? I thought you wanted to shop in Back Bay…"

Maura grinned. "You wait and see. You'll like it."

Jane loved it, and loved Maura for knowing always what she needed even before she did.

The restaurant was small and unassuming, but had a small courtyard at the back that looked like right out of an Italian village. Or, at least, looking like what Jane thought an Italian village patio should look like. She loved it, and although her appreciative comments never went beyond "Nice" and "Hmm", Jane looked like a kid enjoying the food with all her being. Maura sat back, softly smiling, unclouded by memories, comments or doubts, enjoying the beautiful sight.

"So, ready to face some shopping?" Maura ventured as Jane had just finished her mascarpone.

"Can we play hooky and give him an Amazon voucher instead?"

Maura laughed. "Of course not. But I promise I will not drag you into every shoe shop."

"Okay. Let's get him a decent tie. Ours is nice, but the others give me a headache."

"We bought him a tie last year."

"Yeah, and he's worn it every second day. He _really_ needs another one."

Maura rolled her eyes and asked for the bill.

An hour later, Maura was driving back home, tired but elated. A new tie and a shirt slept on a fancy packet on the backseat and Jane had survived the shopping ordeal unscathed. The sun was still high, but soft enough to make the red brick and cement of Boston shine in all its glory.

"It's such a wonderful afternoon." Maura's voice was soft, almost as if speaking to herself. Turning briefly to Jane at the red light, she grinned.

"I have an idea. We're almost at the Common. Let's grab a drink at the Earl."

It was not an activity that would usually made the top of Jane's list, but everything was just fine, and she wanted to hold on to the much-needed cozy, relaxed feeling. The afternoon ebbed away between laughter, easy conversation and comfortable silences. _This is how it should always be_ , Jane thought with a pang of pain. _But I need to face this and get it over and done with, so things can go back to normal._

"Tell me about her."

Jane's unexpected comment, uttered after a long stretch of silence, made Maura's heart jolt. She focused on the soft sun of the afternoon warming her closed lids.

"It's okay, Jane." Maura waved her hand.

 _No. It's not and I'm really, really sorry for having reacted like an ass._ The words never left Jane's mouth. Instead, Jane stretched her hand and held Maura's. She briefly caressed it with her thumb before squeezing it gently and letting it go again. The touch was warm. Maura knew it was born out of a clumsiness with words, but it still made her shiver. It wasn't a new feeling, but somehow now it had a different connotation: it felt _too_ close to what she felt with Julia.

"I haven't spoken to her. I don't know what is going to happen."

Jane saw Maura lost in thought. Words formed in her chest and she was powerless to stop them. "Is this really what you want?"

Maura nodded, a small shrug moving her shoulders forward for a brief second. "I think so. This may be unexpected, unplanned, new, but it feels good. And I do not care about labels and expectations of what I should do or not do, so what else is there to worry about?" Maura's voice trailed off following the still-fresh memories of Julia, completely unaware of the grimace in Jane's face. "Except, of course, her own reluctance. Let's not forget that."

After that, they remained in silence finishing their drinks before leaving.

The last part of the conversation in the park haunted Jane the rest of the evening; it had felt like a downpour in the last inning of a winning game. She had retreated home drenched by a renewed attack of unknown feelings, and the suffocating sensation that she was not only letting Maura down, but that she was allowing herself to get lost in a whole bunch of doubts, questions and fears that went much further than Maura's infatuation with that woman.

Disappointing and hurting Maura by acting as a child throwing a tantrum was bad enough, but the mounting confusion was just too exhausting. It was just a stupid, bad reaction to an unexpected event, and it was getting totally out of control.

She needed to sleep, get up, go for a run, solve a case.

She needed this to stop, starting right now.

.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Had quite a few requests for a double-chapter day, so here it goes! :)**

* * *

 **Chapter 08**

* * *

Jane's self-prescribed do-not-process therapy worked. A whole Sunday of rest, some much needed spring-cleaning, a comfortable 3-mile run and some more sleeping left her feeling stronger than she had felt in weeks. After a good cup of coffee she headed out focused on finding a proper lead for her case. Instead of embarking on a gumshoe wild chase, she decided to change tactics. Since neighbors and gang members would not talk, she decided to concentrate on almost forgotten CIs. It took her less effort than she thought, and it paid off. For a few bucks and a cup of coffee she got a few names and details that made up for a couple of apparently solid leads.

She walked into the bullpen feeling happy. After processing the leads she would go down and act on Plan #2. It involved going down to the morgue, finding Maura and doing exactly as she always did before Julia happened: tell her about her lead, ask her about her day and make plans for lunch.

Her plans crashed flat out when she saw Maura's ADA talking to Korsak. He saw and signaled her to join them. Each step pushed her stomach further and further down.

"Jane, this is-"

"We met. Miss Green."

Julia turned to Jane and gave her a restrained but pleasant smile, ignoring the cold reception it got.

"Miss Green needs our help – _your_ help- with the preparations of-"

"I know, I'm aware." Jane glared at the ADA. "Dr. Isles already explained everything." A tiny flicker in Julia's eyebrows confirmed that the message had been received. Jane knew it was a borderline, pointless move but it made her feel better nonetheless.

Korsak nodded, blissfully ignorant.

"Okay then, I'll leave you two to it."

"But I have this lead that I must follow up!" Jane's protest fell on deaf ears; Korsak instructed her to help Julia first, and then he was gone.

She took Julia to a meeting room. Jane sat on one of the chairs on the long side of the table and motioned Julia to sit opposite her.

"I'm sorry to take you away from you case, Detective." Julia's words seemed heartfelt, although she was not smiling. This side of Julia was probably the one that murderers saw while on trial, in contrast to the charming person that had Maura so interested, Jane decided. She knew it'd be best for Maura if they got along, but professional was the most Jane could give now.

"How can I help you, Ms. Green?"

Jane didn't miss the fact that Julia did not offer to be called by first name, and it suited her just fine.

Julia took out a pen and legal pad and sat with her back straight and head held high.

"I have reviewed the case files, and now I need to work with you to prepare the deposition. Given that this case hinges more on the forensic evidence, I don't think I'll be stealing much of your time."

Jane nodded, proud for Maura and relieved that this was going to be over soon, but troubled and distracted by thoughts of them together. Leaning back on the chair, in sharp contrast to Julia's tense stance, she let Julia begin. When Julia was writing down, eyes on the pen but head held up, she took a good look at the woman Maura had kissed. The thought of those lips kissing Maura gripped her stomach, turning it upside down.

 _Wait. Am I jealous?_

The thought crashed her like a snowstorm in August. She was beyond stunned but managed to keep her face straight, wondering where that thought had come from, and how could it be that thinking of this woman kissing Maura triggered it. This took all her previous overthinking to a whole new level, and it took all she had to keep focusing on the Julia's explanation.

As their meeting progressed, that outlandish thought was forced to a back seat. Her initial coldness was replaced by a nagging feeling of inadequacy. Julia was good, really good, at her job. Not just that: she also seemed to know how to handle her. With patience and firm hand in soft glove, Julia managed to open Jane up, pushing her to move from monosyllabic responses to a full sentence and then to a proper conversation. Not many people could do that, Jane had to admit when she realized what had happened, and all she had done so far was be rude.

Two hours later, Jane escorted Julia out of the meeting room and shook her hand goodbye. Julia gave her the first smile of the meeting, but it was restrained, polite one. Jane returned it, almost as if sealing a nonaggression pact.

She stood in the corridor, outside of the meeting room, more confused then ever before. She didn't see Frankie and Korsak approaching from behind.

"Whoa, who's that? She is _hot_." Frankie whispered in her ear, following Julia with his eyes as the ADA got into the elevator.

Jane raised her hand and softly punched him in his upper arm with the back of her hand.

"What? She _is_ hot…"

"She's the new ADA. Doesn't she look a bit like Jane?" Korsak asked Frankie. When he saw Jane's death glare he raised his palms. "Not that you are hot. You… You… Um, anyway," He shook his head. "But she does look a bit like you."

"She does _not_." I'm taller... and-"

"She is still taller than me." Korsak shrugged and continued to walk towards the lifts.

Frankie hovered, processing the resemblance between the ADA and Jane, and winced.

"Nah, she doesn't look like you. _She_ is hot."

Jane groaned and threw a punch at him, which Frankie easily dodged grinning.

 _She does_ not _look like me_. On second thought, she realized that Korsak was right. They were not twins, but Julia was also thin, had wavy black hair, olive skin, and big brown eyes. _And so what?_ _There are thousands of women like that. We're nothing alike; I don't go around smiling like that, all dressed up like a doll._

She followed Korsak and Frankie to the bullpen, shaking the realization off her head, and threw herself into checking out the new leads of her case.

.

* * *

.

A few floors down, Maura was writing reports in her office. The knock on the door went unheard.

"Hi."

Maura's pen fell from her fingers; she looked up and met Julia's smile.

"Hi, Julia!" The surprise and nervousness went almost unnoticed.

"I hope I'm not interrupting _too_ much?" Julia's smile was forbearing.

As Maura got up from her chair, she noticed the now familiar tingling inside. A quick glance outside her office told her they were alone. She ushered Julia in. Julia crossed the door but stood there, holding her arm tight to her shoulder bag.

Maura saw the hesitation in both of them and smiled gently, dispersing the tension. "Please, come in, sit down."

"I was upstairs and could not leave without saying hi, but I don't have much time," she said looking at Maura's desk, "and I'm sure you don't either."

"I'm glad you did. I was… hoping to hear from you." The confession tinted Maura's cheeks with a soft blush.

As they sat side-by-side, Julia's eyes brushed Maura's before flickering quickly over her lips and back again. Maura felt the contact as if it had been physical, momentarily losing her bearings.

"I've been thinking." Julia looked at her hands, firmly holding on to her bag. The silence forced her to look up again and seek Maura's reaction. She found expectancy and breathed with relief.

"Would you… would you like to join me for dinner? I'd like to talk to you..."

"When?"

"I don't know... Tonight? Or is that too soon?"

Maura shook her head softly twice, smiling, thinking how adorable she was. In a way, part of Julia reminded her of Jane, when she wanted to get her away. She knew she could never say no to Jane, and it seemed she couldn't say no to Julia either.

"You can't?"

"I can. I'm free tonight." Maura omitted that she had found the eagerness endearing and flattering, and that she'd have less time to finish the report due tomorrow.

"We can go out, but I make a mean coq-au-vin. Or so they say. Anyway, I just though my apartment would be a quiet place to talk."

"I love coq-au-vin." Maura immediately realized that Julia was inviting her to her home, and her breath got stuck in her chest.

Julia's natural smiled surfaced again, her eyes sparkling. "So, that's settled. I'll text you the address. Bring wine and I'll take care of the rest. Is 7:30 okay?"

Maura nodded but didn't move. Julia stood up, still smiling and Maura mimicked her actions.

"Okay, I must rush." A timid hand reached Maura's arm. It stayed there as their eyes connected, clear and happy.

Suzie knocked on the door, just as Maura's eye had darted to Julia's lips. The transformation was instant; Dr. Isles excused herself, tended to Suzie's question and then wished Julia goodbye.

The façade lasted only as long as Julia took to leave the morgue. Back at her desk, she let her body relax on the chair, relief flooding her. As much as she was open -actually, more than willing- to explore the connection with Julia, she desperately needed to settle what they had left open during their last lunch. Whatever was meant to happen, it had to feel and be right for both of them.

Maura had eventually managed to shake Julia's invitation off her head and was busy preparing a prelim examination when Jane swaggered in.

"Hey."

"Good morning, Jane. Pass me that tray, please."

"I've been promoted to tray handler. Yay! Anyway, I got two solid leads on the case." She lifted her index and middle finger to make a point and grinned, waiting for Maura's congratulations.

"That's fantastic, Jane!"

Jane smiled, nodding with self-satisfaction.

"I also spent two hours with your… friend, the ADA."

"Julia?"

"Is there another one?" Jane pulled an innocent face, realizing her tone hadn't been too obviously jokingly.

"She didn't tell me."

"Oh, you saw her?"

"Yes, she came to see me a few moments ago."

"So?"

"So we're having dinner. Tonight. At her place."

"You have a date." Jane picked up one of the instruments on the tray she had just handed over to Maura and started examining it as if it was the most interesting thing in the world. It certainly was easier to toy with it than deal with Maura's first real date with the ADA woman.

"That's a very expensive instrument, Jane. Don't break it. And it's not a date. We are going to talk."

 _At her house. Right._ "It's a piece of metal, Maura. How can I break it?"

"The calibration of the tip is very precise." The idea of Jane and Julia spending time together, alone, even if it was about work, unsettled her, even more so than discussing her non-date with Jane. "Are we going to continue discussing my instruments or are you going to tell me about your meeting with Julia?"

"She's... okay, I guess. Seems good at her job. Frankie thinks she's hot and Korsak thinks that she looks like me. So now I'm suspecting Korsak thinks I'm hot. Gross."

Maura laughed, but her mind flew to Julia's physical appearance. Julia's face was slightly rounder than Jane's well defined, sharper cheekbones. Julia's top lip was fuller than Jane's, her voice was softer and she had no scars, but there was indeed an undeniable resemblance, and it struck Maura as quite odd that she had not noticed it before.

Then again, their personalities were so different that the physical similarities had little relevance. They were both gorgeous women.

They ended up having a quick lunch together at the Dirty Robber, but Julia's name or the upcoming date did not come up. Instead, they discussed their cases and made plans for the weekend. It was as if they had a tacit agreement; somehow they both expected that time would settle things.

After all, they both thought, nothing had happened beyond a kiss -and probably nothing would, given Julia's unwillingness.

Maura would explore –or not- these new feelings, if that was how it was meant to be.

Jane would get used to the idea, and definitely stop any other preposterous -and terribly unsettling- thoughts and doubts about herself, about Maura.

Everything would settle down, go back to how it had always been.

Or so they hoped.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 09**

* * *

Maura reviewed the address; Jane would be happy living so close to Fenway Park. As she approached Julia's building, slowly looking for parking, she noticed the clamminess in her hands. Her heartbeat was slowly picking up; a few, controlled breaths steadied her. Just before leaving the car she lowered the sun visor and made sure that the freshly applied make up was still unpolluted.

The brownstone building welcomed her. It was just another brownstone building in a city where they flourished; it stood proud next to a few shops in a tree-lined street. It looked almost innocent, completely unaware that it was possibly about to play host to a remarkable event in Maura's life.

As Julia opened her apartment door, a wonderful smell invaded the hallway. If the coq-au-vin tasted as good as it smelled, Maura was in for a treat. Julia hesitated for a second, then bent forward and captured Maura's cheeks with a somewhat more intimate rendering of the continental greeting she had taught her. Maura flustered with the contact, lowering her eyes coyly.

The apartment was small but inviting; red, orange and yellow pillows sat on a simple beige couch, inviting one to sit and relax. A low table was covered with books and a couple of candles. Close to it, next to the bay windows, a few potted plants flourished. The open plan kitchen stood to the right, just beyond a small table where dinner was set. Candles flickered, the light playing with the wine glasses, the coq-au-vin aroma permeated the room; Maura half closed her eyes, feeling very comfortable. She turned to Julia, inhaling the wonderful aroma and nodding her approval.

"The extractor fan is broken. You'll have to excuse the smell." Julia shrugged, her eyes expectant.

Maura shook her head, smiling. "It is wonderful. The place and the food."

"The place is the best ever; it's my aunt's and comes almost free -a new ADA can't afford much, unfortunately." She grinned, shrugging the thought off. "The food is simmering, it needs a few more minutes. Let's have a drink while we wait."

"I brought you this. I hope it's as good as I remember."

Maura handed over the bottles she kept in a discrete bag and sat at the table watching Julia struggle with the corkscrew. She wondered if perhaps Julia was just as nervous as she was; it hadn't occurred to her, until now, that this situation might be as daunting to Julia.

As Julia dealt with the wine, Maura had the time to discretely appraise Julia. Her hair was down, just below her shoulders, making her look even younger. It suited her, as did the loose pair of slacks and simple blouse. She was a beautiful woman, even when not smiling. A tinge of expectation coursed through her as she focused on her lips. There was no doubt she wanted something to happen tonight; what exactly had yet to be decided.

The wine was good, and Julia was a gracious host. She covered the pot and sat across the table from Maura.

"So, did you have a good day?" Julia broke the ice with the most innocent question she could find.

Maura had, for the most part. The roughest part of the day had been crossing Jane briefly as she was on her way out of the station. It felt odd being so jittery about her upcoming date and having Jane nodding and smiling as if Maura was on her way to pick up her dry-cleaning. She saw Jane strut away and something had felt wrong. Very wrong.

That feeling still puzzled her. She took a sip of the wine –it _was_ as good as she remembered- and shrugged, finally answering Julia's question with a safe topic.

"I wish there were no budget cuts; I really need to bring more people to the team. Luckily my lab techs are good; I couldn't do without them." It was a side step around the truth but she wasn't ready to talk to Julia about her nagging feelings about Jane.

"I don't know if I could deal with having people reporting directly to me. Never have, in fact."

Maura felt secure and relaxed talking about work; it was well within her comfort zone and soon she relaxed completely. The coq-au-vin was delicious, and Maura's compliment made Julia glow. They ate as Maura told her about Santorini, the caldera and the shades of blue that fused sea and houses.

"I always thought if I were to be married, it'd be there."

"Are you still hoping you'll get married?" Julia's voice had no particular inflection but her eyes were deeply probing.

"I do not think the marriage institution is for me. Not anymore."

"And here I am, celebrating that marriage is legal for all in so many states." Julia's joke fell on the table with a loud thud.

Maura smiled uncomfortably. "Do you want to get married, now that you can?"

The "you" in the sentence hit Julia squarely; there was Maura telling her she wasn't like her. "I have nobody to marry, so I have not even considered it. But it's just good to know that I could if I wanted to…"

"Can I ask a personal question?" Maura decided she might as well dive into _it_ , now that the coq-au-vin was almost finished. When Julia nodded, she wiped the corners of her mouth and ceremoniously left the napkin on the table. "Have you always been with women?"

Julia laughed. "That question is as personal as asking me if I like my job or travelling. I'm not a gold-star lesbian, I'm afraid. I had one or two boyfriends before college; nothing serious." She shrugged. "I guess it was what I was supposed to do."

"And then, what happened?"

"College roommate happened, as cliché as it may be. My first love; the answer to so many questions. Didn't last long, though…"

"So why don't you date straight women?"

The bluntness of the question pushed Julia back on her chair. The answer came from afar, riding a thousand memories.

"I fell in love with a straight woman, a colleague. We were best friends for years. It wasn't instant; it was a closeness that grew over the years. I had always found her attractive but she had a boyfriend, she liked only men. And then she broke up with him, and we grew even closer. One day we kissed. I thought that there had to be a first time for everyone, so I went for it and fell head over heels in love. She broke my heart slowly, over the 3 years that our relationship lasted. And I'm boring you. Maybe I shouldn't even be telling you all this."

Maura found her eyes and held them with a smile. "I want to know, Julia."

Julia sighed, leaned back, and her eyes went back to watch her fingertips chasing each other. "Anyway, I know she loved me, but there was always something not right. She kept saying that it wasn't about me being a woman; it was the PDAs she hated. That it wasn't me; it was their friends that would not understand, or her family. We had moved in together, but feeling like the roommate was unbearable. And ultimately she missed men. She missed their smell, their bodies. Not once she was unfaithful to me, but there was always something not right between us. I hated that feeling, like I was lacking something, that I couldn't give her all she needed, no matter how much we loved each other." Julia raised her head and forced a smile. "Eventually, I left her. We lost contact; it just hurt too much to see her because we still loved each other, but not in the same way. I heard that she met a guy, had a shiny white wedding with flowing bridesmaids and a big happy, understanding family, so she's happy and that's good."

"You left her?"

"I had to. She wouldn't do anything." Julia shrugged, her eyes lost in her wine. "She didn't mean to hurt me, but if I'm in a relationship, I don't want either of us hold back, to feel incomplete. Ever."

Maura nodded, deeply moved by the story, but also by her own thoughts. Could that ever happen to her? She didn't know. The thought dampened her mood.

Julia leaned over and held Maura's hand. "I didn't mean to upset you."

"You didn't. You made me think."

"Penny for your thoughts?"

Maura took a long breath, exhaling jumbled thoughts into a manageable question.

"Why did you invite me to dinner?"

Julia laughed, her clear voice sliding inside Maura.

"Because I've been thinking, and something tells me you are not like her. I'm certain you are not. There is something about you… Can't quite put my finger on it, but it's like you already have something inside, that this is not entirely new for you – even if subconsciously."

Maura was aghast. First, Julia thought that she was in love with Jane. Now she told her that she 'has already something inside". She had to be mistaken, surely. She had to be confusing the attraction to her with something else.

Julia realized she was losing Maura to something deep, far away. "Why did you accept my invitation?"

Maura's brow relaxed. She knew the answer to that. "Because I am not good with people. I seldom connect with someone, and I did with you, and I need to explore it. If you were a man, we would not be having this conversation; we'd be dating already."

The bluntness left Julia speechless. The first thing that crossed her mind was raising her glass.

"Let's toast. For a new world of possibilities."

* * *

 **A/N:** Winter is coming; button up. But remember, spring always follows, even if riding in weather changing storms.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

* * *

The evening with Julia had been delightful, but like Jane always said, it was a school-night. Maura knew she should to go home, but she couldn't tear herself away. Being with her was so easy. Being captivated by her was even easier. There was an underlying sense of familiarity, as if she had known Julia for a long time, but had something else that she couldn't define -apart from the physical reactions she couldn't help having -more and more as she opened up to her.

It was as if she had found something she had been looking for, without even knowing she wanted or needed it.

Julia had not once tried to breach the physical distance between them, but her eyes were not constrained by space. They could, with a simple yet very intense glance, brush her lips and make Maura feel desired, wanted, and feeling a pull so intense that made her tremble with anticipation. Something about them that triggered something she couldn't escape from.

Julia set her coffee down, and for the first time in the evening, silence settled between them. It was highly charged, but not uncomfortable. It just stood, waiting for them to act. React. Do something.

Maura traced with her eyes the smooth olive skin, the intense dark hair that danced rejoiced to be free from the severe bun, the deep dark eyes calling her. She could so easily fall into them...

She did, not knowing how, or why, or...

The first contact of their lips was shy; a demand for permission, a reconnaissance of uncharted territory.

It wasn't enough for either of them.

Soon, Maura forgot all caution and thoughts and abandoned herself to the warmth and hunger of those wonderful lips. Her hands left the safety of Julia's own, flying to her back, neck, arms. Julia's body felt so familiar that she was startled. Abandoning the smooth skin of the neck, Maura tilted her head back until she found Julia's eyes as if they held the answer.

Julia's eyes were pitch black, her breath ragged. They felt familiar too, but before she could ask any more questions, she let herself fall and allow her body everything it demanded.

.

* * *

.

Maura woke up from the weight on her chest. In the semi-darkness of the room, she saw a cascade of long, unruly dark hair and a shapely, toned arm lying across her naked breasts.

 _Jane._

 _Jane?_

Her mouth dried instantly; air struggled to get in her lungs and the room spun.

Then Julia lifted her head, opened her eyes and smiled when they focused on her. The smile died almost instantly.

"Are you okay?"

The voice asking was sweet and soft, not hoarse.

The hands touching her skin did not have scars.

Maura closed her eyes and forced air out of her locked down chest, forcing herself to Julia's gentle hands dispel the oncoming anxiety attack. She felt Julia's soft kisses on her shoulder and the fingers massaging her tense temporalis muscle; the tension begun to ebb away. Her thoughts now purposefully followed Julia's fingers, now trailing downwards along her face into her neck and chest. When Julia saw the clouds leaving Maura's face, she continued downwards. When the fingers reached her breasts, Maura's last attempt at a clear thought morphed into complete entrancement.

An hour later, Maura was cuddling a still shaking Julia; her face was one of pure bliss, more beautiful than ever. It astounded her just how natural and wonderful making love with Julia had felt, but she couldn't see her hair, her skin without them reminding her of Jane. She closed her eyes with her fingertips, and then opened them as two swords ready for battle against a raging confusion that had no place.

Julia was not Jane.

Julia.

Jane.

Same initials. It felt like a sign, but it could not be. She had never looked at Jane like this. Jane would never, ever look at her like Julia did. It was just a coincidence, that was all. A coincidence. A rather untimely, annoying, disconcerting coincidence. That was all.

Julia stirred. "Good morning."

The greeting felt almost like a question. Maura turned her head and gently kissed Julia's forehead.

"Are you okay?"

Maura left her lips pressed to the warm skin, gently caressing the soft skin of Julia's back.

"I need to go."

"You didn't answer." Julia raised her eyes; her brow was pleading.

Maura felt a pang of guilt. Of course she felt okay. More than okay. Julia was beautiful; a beautiful woman, a passionate, interesting person, and a wonderful lover. She just couldn't shake off the now subtle but still nagging distress of having confused her with Jane. She wouldn't know how to start explaining it, so she didn't.

Concentrating on those wonderful eyes, she nodded. "I am not leaving because of this." Maura tightened their embrace. "I need to go home, shower, get ready for work."

Julia agreed. "You're right. I should also get ready for work."

Maura got dressed and found Julia in the kitchen. "Can I offer you some coffee before you go?"

She looked at Julia, the lovely Julia that had just awoken her from what seemed a long dream, and her eyes drifted to the lips, now tight with emotion.

"Maura, I can't trust myself to let you go if you do that." Julia took a step away and stood by the door, her hands in the pockets of her towel gown. She took a deep breath. "Do I have to ask you if you are going to call?"

Maura reached out and caressed her face. "You don't have to. I will call you, I promise."

Julia smiled with her eyes, exhaling softly but visibly.

Maura reached in, softly kissed her, and left, feeling Julia's glow in her own skin.

She left smiling, feeling airy and happy, knowing they would meet again soon, but as she walked out, a conscious of a veiled, elusive shadow of confusion trailed behind her.

.

* * *

.

Maura arrived at the office just after 8:30. As she was locking her car door she saw Jane parking across the road. When Jane saw her, she smiled behind her Aviators. In no time, Jane was standing next to her, her glasses now in her hand.

"Hey Maura. Living dangerously?"

Maura flustered, and her eyes left the dark eyes questioning her, even if they looked playful. "Whatever do you mean?"

"It's _way_ past your entry time. Like, a whole 5 minutes."

Relief flooded Maura, and she held to that feeling for dear life, not knowing why she had to. As they were in standing over the coffee pots, Maura yawned and her hand was not fast enough to reach and give her cover.

"Rough night?"

Maura pressed her lips, hoping the burning heat in her face would go unnoticed, but Jane's trained eyes didn't miss a thing.

"Hold on right there." Jane said as they approached the elevators, still staring. "No sleep. Blushing, yawning, flustered…" Jane's eyes narrowed.

"Maura?" The whispered word felt to Maura like Jane had just screamed.

"I… well…"

"Maura?" Jane's face darkened. "You _didn't_ …"

Maura raised her eyebrows, looking around and wiggled her shoulders.

"You _did_." Jane's face was expressionless, but Maura knew her well. It was not a good reaction. At all.

Maura lifted her shoulders -completely at a loss for words-, and raised begging eyebrows while forcing a little apologetic smile.

"Ok... That's- that's good. I mean, that's great. You- you did it, that's..." Jane nodded, slack-jawed. "Um… Well, I'd love to stay and hear all about it but-" Jane pointed her thumb up. "I'm sorry, Korsak's waiting, catch you later, okay." She pressed her lips and nodded again, seeing a trembling Maura being left behind, but unable to do anything about it.

She bumped into Frankie as she walked into the bullpen.

"Oh, Jane, morning! I wanted to see you!"

Jane mumbled a "Hey" and walked past towards her desk. Frankie followed her.

"Do you know when the new ADA is coming around again?"

Jane groaned as she turned on her monitor. Out the corner of her eye she saw Frankie crossing his arms and leaning on the corner of her desk.

"Frankie, I'm busy. What do you want?

He grinned and shrugged.

Jane stared at him through half closed eyes, frowning. "Oh, come on! You are _not_ serious. You want to ask her out?"

 _Crap. This just keeps getting better and better._

His eyebrows shot up, begging Jane not to out him to the entire office.

Jane didn't. She just shook her head, with Maura's blush etched into her mind.

"Go for it, you'll get a Guinness Record." _A record for wanting to ask out the largest number of involved lesbians_. _Just wait to see who this one is involved with…_

"Fine, be like that." Frankie threw his hands in the air in surrender.

He left Jane staring at the screen but only seeing Maura's face. Past the disconcerting, way out of place reaction, she realized Maura's disappointment was heartbreaking. For a second she thought of rushing back down and apologizing, but the leaden knot in her stomach told her she'd be just as rude and insensitive. She decided it'd be best to just let it go until the understandable shock wore off; she was just surprised and needed time to get used to this new side of Maura -no matter how it had affected her in so many ridiculous ways.

She ended up spending the whole day out, chasing CIs all over town. By the time Korsak called it a night it was after 9 pm. After taking Korsak to get his own car, she found herself driving towards Beacon Hill.

The lights were on at Maura's house. She left the car in the first available spot and in a few large strides she was soon ringing's Maura's doorbell.

"Jane?" Maura stood at the door, her brow deep and tense and her hand holding it open but blocking the way.

"Maura? What-" As Maura's eyes darted back, over her shoulder, Jane understood. "Oh. I'm- I didn't know, didn't mean to… anyway, I'd better… Okay, see you tomorrow."

"Wait. Jane!"

Jane stopped as she reached the last step.

"Don't go, I'm with- Julia is here, but you don't have to go. Have some wine with us."

Jane smiled and shook her head. "It's fine, Maur. Enjoy your date."

Two hours later, Jane opened her own door for the second time in the evening. After a 5-mile run and a what now felt like horrible day she finally felt tired enough to even want to think of anything. She had a very hot shower and dropped in bed, utterly exhausted.

.

* * *

.

The knock on the door wouldn't stop. Jane groaned and threw the covers off. Her phone told her it was 3 am. _Who the hell can it be at this time?_

It was Maura. Her eyes were puffy, her hair disheveled.

"Can I come in?"

Jane stepped aside, too asleep to understand what was going on. As she closed the door, Maura turned around and fixed her eyes on her. Something in them made Jane's heart beat faster, waking her from her walking slumber.

"I made a mistake. I got confused. I shouldn't have slept with Julia. It's you. It has always been you, Jane."

Without any warning, Maura reached up and kissed her.

Despite the shock, Jane felt the desperation of those lips, the hands reaching out and embracing her hard. Her heart jumped to her mouth, but before she could even think about what was going on, she felt her body responding to the kiss.

It felt so good to feel Maura so close. Her perfume invaded her as hands made their way through honey blonde hair, finding the firm muscles on her neck and pushing her closer. Maura deepened the kiss and Jane's body trembled. She tumbled forward, pushing Maura against the door, her thigh in between her legs. She felt Maura's tongue touching her lips and she felt overwhelming heat flowing throughout her body.

Dizzy with the onslaught of strong feelings, she tilted back her head to grasp some air and saw Maura's eyes, loving her with a comfort and closeness she had never felt in her life before. Despite the red eyes, smudged makeup, Maura's eyes were glowing, full of a love so big that made Jane swoon.

 _So beautiful, so fragile, so strong…_

Jane leaned down and held her as tight as she could, feeling the skin of her neck on her lips, her perfume, her warmth.

"Maura…"

Jane heard her own voice resonate in her empty, dark bedroom.

* * *

 **A/N:** Oops ;)

(Author ducks under desk, shuts eyes tight and waits for comments to be hurled at her.)


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

* * *

Jane sat on her bed, shaking, head buried in her hands and elbows on her bent knees. She had moved from repeating the word 'fuck' until her throat was sore, to her current silent rocking back and forth -a futile attempt to try and stop the tremors. She had suffered from terrifyingly vivid dreams in the past -her nightmares about Hoyt haunted her for months, but this one won the World Series.

The dream had ended, but now it felt like a real memory. She could still feel the pressure of Maura's fingers on her back, the warmth of her mouth, the consuming need, and the overwhelming feeling of love emanating from Maura's eyes and from her own entire body. As time crawled by, the images and feelings from the dream mingled with real memories from real moments shared with Maura, like the embrace when she got off the rescue boat after the bridge jump, or the hug shared after she had saved her from Hoyt, and so many others.

She desperately needed the dream to vanish from her memory, but a part of her refused to let go. The feelings had been –still were- breathtakingly beautiful and intense, even if they were about Maura. The panic washed in again every time she remembered that. It made no sense. She had never, ever felt or thought about Maura like that, and it made no sense that she suddenly did now - or did it? The tinge of jealousy during her meeting with Julia rushed back, and her headache got worse.

It was clear she needed to get herself together stat. With all her training and experience as a homicide detective, she had to be able to find a way to analyze this situation with a clear head. First, she had to steady her breathing. With every breath, she focused on identifying one single emotion at a time. The first clear one was panic, mashed up against an overwhelming confusion. With her next breath came love; a love so intense that it made her dizzy, so overpowering like no other love she'd known before. One more deep breath and frustration screamed silently, making her nails dig into her fists. She kept trying, but only managed to bounce between those three or four, and the memories of the dream.

Eventually, the turbulence lost fuel and she held onto the peace she'd felt during the last embrace of the dream - it felt familiar, soothing, good.

She had just begun to relax when the alarm clock on her phone screamed at her. In one neat swoop, she grabbed it and threw it across the room; the noise died at the same time she heard a cracking noise. Groaning, she threw the covers off and stormed out of bed; shards of glass and plastic were scattered all over the floor. Her open hand swung towards the wall, but lost momentum a few inches short of it; the tiny wise part of her knew that the last thing she needed was a broken hand on top of _it_ and a busted phone.

As she collected the pieces of plastic and glass, she heard Maura in her mind reciting her something from some study or other, telling her that the dream was a simple case of subconscious processing, a normal and healthy occurrence when faced with unknown circumstances and blah, blah.

That was it.

It had been just a stupid dream, produced by a stupid brain that couldn't process anything but a case. There was nothing wrong with Maura getting a girlfriend. Good for her. At least that woman wasn't a psycho or something. Simple. Nothing more. It just couldn't be anything more - not for her. It was Maura who had decided that she liked women, not she. Forget the jealousy, that's just plain stupid. Maybe she just needed to get laid too or whatever.

Jane kept repeating all that as a mantra, as the hot water worked on unknotting her back and neck.

.

* * *

.

Jane arrived at the BPD before 8:00 am and darted upstairs to the bullpen. Her mantra had worked so far, but now that she was at the station, the possibility of bumping into her sat in her stomach as one massive knot. She decided to avoid the Division One Café, just in case.

The bullpen was still quiet, almost empty. She turned her computer on, opened a browser and started looking for a phone in stock somewhere close by.

"You spend way too much time with Maura." Korsak's voice behind her made her literally jump on her chair. He sat at his desk, grinning at Jane's bewildered face. "Shopping online? That's a new one for you."

Jane exhaled. "My phone broke. Have you seen the price of these things?"

Korsak shrugged. "Get one like mine, they give it away for free."

"Korsak, that thing belongs to a museum. It only works because it feels in good company in its old age."

"It's not old. It's _vintage_. And it does its job."

Jane laughed and breathed more easily, firmly convinced that she was getting over the worse part.

After three hours, she had managed to get a new phone -the drive out of the BPD and out of town had helped a lot, despite the traffic, the endless wait and the rude shop attendant. There it was, a phone just like the flying one finally shining in her now calm hands. She was installing an app when she heard the distinctive click-clack of high heels. She held her breath, her mouth suddenly bone-dry.

"Hello, Jane." Maura stood next to her, her hands holding to each other, nails tracing fingertips.

Jane wiped her hands on her slacks. "Hey Maura." The awkward smile vanished when she saw how nervous Maura looked.

In fact, Maura looked almost like she felt, and that mortified her. _I shouldn't have left like I did. Maybe I wouldn't have dreamt anything..._

"Dropped my phone this morning. Had to get a new one." It sounded more like a request for truce and absolution than an explanation.

Maura raised her eyebrows. "And simple drop managed to break it?"

 _Yes, if you accidentally drop a phone at 40 miles per hour against a wall, phones tend to break._

"Go figure." Jane forced herself to look at Maura. Her make up was not smudged, she had not been crying, she had not kissed her. And yet, Jane couldn't stop trembling.

"Anyway", Maura looked at Korsak and got closer, lowering her voice. "About last night. I wanted to–"

"Last night?" Jane looked away, hiding her blush while furiously trying to remember something beyond the dream. Then she remembered her impromptu visit to Maura, crashing her date with Julia. She tried to remember what she would have said if Julia were a guy; she would have winked, and laughed it away.

"Oh, you mean…" Jane shook her head as if waving Maura comment away and forced a smile. "Yeah, sorry I interrupted. Next time, okay?"

She kept smiling, but not making eye contact. It was painfully obvious that she was lying through her teeth, and the tension hung between them like a sticky fog.

Maura blanched and recoiled. "Anyway, I have the results on the blade analysis. It's a match."

Jane's celebratory slap on the table wiped the last remnants of the dream and the fog, now firmly set in her brain and chest.

"Korsak, we have an arrest to make. Let's go." She grabbed her phone and stood up, turning in the process, with such bad luck that she ended up nose to nose with Maura, just like in the dream. The room darkened for a second, all blood rushing from her face.

Hands grabbed her and she saw again Maura's concerned face a couple of inches from her face.

"Don't worry, it's just postural hypotension - you got up too quickly. Sit down, slowly. There we go."

"Here's some water." Korsak handed her a plastic cup.

"Thanks, Vince. She's fine." Maura nodded at Korsak, and he retreated back to his desk.

 _Yup, I'm fine. I'm great._ Jane couldn't feel more mortified if she tried. But that wasn't what really occupied her attention. Maura's hands were on her shoulder and rubbing her back, and they burned through her t-shirt -like they had on the dream-. She wondered when had Maura become so touchy-feely. It didn't take long to realize that she wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary. There was _nothing_ out of the ordinary in a hand-on-shoulder or a rub on her back, not even with the fingers gently pulling hair out of her face. Closing her eyes, it became clearer why the dream had been so realistic –apart from the kiss and stuff, that is: she had enough tactile data stored in her brain to fuel a lifetime of dreams.

Meanwhile, Maura's hand kept on rubbing her back.

 _This has to stop. Now._

"I'm fine, Maura. I'm won't to give birth to a genie, no matter how long and hard you rub." The quip fell out of her mouth followed by the start of a smirk.

Maura took her hand away, uncertain whether to laugh or not at the off-beat joke. When she saw Jane's dimples, she tilted her head and rolled her eyes.

But as she returned downstairs, a nagging feeling clenched her stomach. Jane had not gotten up fast enough as to cause a loss of blood to her head. With a gasp, she recognized the look in Jane's eyes when they were face to face: it was a look of panic.

It was the same panic she felt when she confused Julia with Jane after they had made love.

.

* * *

 **A/N: OK. Yes, I do have a thing for cliffhangers, but I have to cut the chapters at some point or other, no? ;)**

 **So, Rizzles is born, but we have to hold our breath and pay attention to the details, because... Dorothy, this ain't Kansas :D**

 **(and with that, the author signs off until tomorrow, and proceeds to hide again under desk. )**


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

* * *

By Friday morning, Jane had had less than 15 hours sleep over three days, but somehow kept going, and going. Maura would have blamed it on the adrenaline, had she talked to her recently. She sat idly looking at the finished report on her computer screen while nursing her third cup of coffee since 5 am. Nothing major had happened at work for the past two days; all the action seemed reserved for when she went home and tried to sleep.

The new dreams had not been overtly sexual but the top-gear intensity had remained. Her first one found her gently cuddling a very naked Maura in her bed; she hated liking so much the feelings of that dream. Another one –the worst- took her back to Maura's house, where she had found her making out with Julia against the kitchen counter and them laughing at her as she stood sulking, unable to move.

The pattern was so obvious that her detective mind scoffed, even as her denial-prone brain screamed and protested. All the evidence was there, but she had barely managed to deal with Maura's new, sudden attraction to women. Dealing with the possibility of it also happening to her was just too much.

She wasn't gay. She just _dreamt_ of being with Maura, nothing else. And yes, she loved her. With all her heart, even if she knew she would never say it in so many words. But she just couldn't be _in love_ with her best friend, and discover that in a dream. It was too ridiculous, too far-fetched. One thing is to find someone attractive, especially if you share so much stuff with the other person -someone who happens to be a lesbian and likes you-, and another completely different thing was to suddenly want to jump your best friend of years.

Of course, above all, she couldn't forget the fact that her best friend was smitten with someone else -not her.

Even knowing all of this, something wasn't right, and not seeing much of Maura had a lot to do with that.

She had not purposefully avoided Maura, but she had not made the effort of going to see her for days. She knew -thought, assumed- that Maura was too busy with work and Julia, so she was not expecting an impromptu visit from her either. They'd be seeing each other soon anyway; Maura wanted tonight's Friday night to be at her place instead of the Dirty Robber. The thought of cancelling crossed her mind again, but nothing but work or a major emergency ever got in the way – and never their occasional boyfriends. Friday nights was _their_ time to catch up and kick back, and even now that she was smack in the middle of the Perfect-Dreaming-Storm, she still looked forward to their time together. Beyond the dreams and whatever they meant or not, she missed her friend. She just wanted to go to Maura's, have some food, and not-process with her until the world got back on its feet.

Maybe she needed to tell Maura about the dreams, laugh about them, and then sit with a beer while Maura recited two or three studies that proved conclusively that something or other about the brain's chemistry and subconscious whatever.

 _Maur, you know... the funniest thing happened. I dreamt that we made out like two horny teenagers and then I stood there, swooning all mushy for you because I dreamt we were so in love, and then I saw us cuddling in bed and then you were making out with Julia and laughing at me._

 _Yeah._

 _Right._

She would go to Maura's because that's how grown-up best friends act, and keep on not dealing with it over a beer or something. They'd watch a movie, she'd work on being happy for Maura, and let time erase the dreams and put her head right.

.

* * *

.

Maura opened her door and saw Jane hiding her face behind a bottle of a wine. As Jane walked past, she saw the dark shadow under her eyes screaming a few sleepless nights, but decided it would be best to not to ask. Yet.

Jane strutted in but stopped dead on her tracks when she saw the table set for two, with lit candles and flowers and everything. She cautiously looked around Maura's apartment.

"It's just you and me, Jane."

The dizzying sense of relief amused her. As she approached the kitchen she recognized the smell coming from the pot simmering on the stove and she felt like Pavlov's dog.

"Is that your special pesto?"

Maura nodded smugly.

"And the candles and all that?" She pointed at the table. "What happened to our slob-by-law Friday nights?

"Don't you like it?"

"Yeah, of course I do like… all that." What's the occasion?"

" _That_ , as you so eloquently put it, is also called eating well for a change, and in a pleasant environment. Studies indicate that good food and a nice ambiance are factors that help produce endorphins."

Jane went over to kitchen, strutting satisfied she had managed to hang the dream outside of Maura's entrance door, and tucked away a bag. "So, these endothingies make you relaxed, right? She took a beer out the fridge and leant on the other side of the island, watching Maura stir the pot.

"Endorphine, or rather, endogenous morphine, is a morphine-like substance produced by our bodies which-"

"Wait. Our body produces morphine?"

"A substance _like_ morphine but-"

"Great. I'm a drug-addict with a factory in-house and you are supplying the raw material." Jane stuck her thumb out towards the table, her mischievous grin morphing into a soft, apologetic, tentative smile.

Maura smiled back, disarmed by Jane's gesture, until she felt in her stomach the effects of a clear epinephrine discharge, overstimulating her sympathetic nervous system. The cramps turned the smile into tight lips and forced her eyes away.

A Polaroid from one of the dreams flashed in Jane's eyes when she saw Maura odd reaction, making her shiver. She forced her eyes down, hoping that the flush would not reach her skin.

Maura saw the odd, sudden change in Jane's face, but opted to side step it and distract her instead. "I think the food is ready. Why don't you open the wine while I serve?"

"Oops." Jane looked at her beer, pressed her lips and raised her eyebrows.

"You can have your beer with dinner if you want, but I still need that wine bottle opened."

"Clever. Hey, that smells yummy…" Jane opened the wine and headed for the table.

"Thanks. Speaking of smells, I see have you finally used the hair mask I gave you three month ago?"

"No way. You can smell my hair from 3 feet away with pesto cooking next to you?"

"Of course! Your hair looks lovely -and it smells wonderful, by the way."

Girly Jane grinned; at least something good had come out of all those blank hours in the middle of the night.

"I prefer the smell of that sauce… It's driving me crazy." She sat holding fork and spoon upright on the table. "Ok. Do I have to beg?"

She tucked in with gusto as Maura led the conversation with anecdotes from her latest cases, to which Jane added a few of her own. The conversation was innocuous enough, and yet, Maura still felt jittery. Every now and then, memories of her evenings with Julia rushed back. With them, came the memories of their lovemaking and the panic afterwards. She sought refuge in the fact that Julia had not suspected anything.

"Aren't you eating?" Jane waved her fork at Maura's still half-full plate.

"Yes, yes. I was just watching how much you are enjoying the meal."

"What? I like it."

"There is still some left in the pot."

Jane left the fork on her now empty plate, leaned back and rubbed her full but still flat tummy.

"Tempting, but I need space for dessert. I think this dinner deserves something special. I'll go get it, if you make coffee."

"Oh, no, don't go out now! I bought chocolate-chip cookie ice cream. You never say no to that."

Jane trotted to the kitchen counter grinning. She retrieved the bag she had brought with her and fished from the bottom a box of Moochie's macaroons.

"Ta-da!"

"Oh, Jane! You went all the way to Render Café to get _macarons_?" The French pronunciation amused Jane, and she smiled looking at a delighted Maura.

"Thanks, Jane! Maura clapped cheerfully before giving Jane a hug.

Jane stiffened, holding her breath and almost dropping the box. The awkwardness would have killed the joy of giving and sharing, had not it been for Maura's quick reaction. Instead of jumping back, apologizing or questioning Jane, she chose to get the box from Jane as if nothing had happened.

"Hmm, these are _so_ good, Jane. Possibly as good as Angelina's in Rue de Rivoli, the absolutely best _macarons_ in Paris." With a careful pinch of thumb and index finger, she picked from the box a white macaroon and took a small bite, closing her eyes as it dissolved in her mouth.

"Oh… wonderful! Love the crunchiness of the shell in contrast to the softness of the filling. You must have a caramel one; they are exquisite."

Jane's ears were still buzzing, even if her heart rate was down to normal. She realized that Maura was completely oblivious to her nonsense, and that gave her the time and strength to fade out the memories of the dream-version of Maura kissing her as if her life depended on it. She focused instead on the Maura of flesh-and-blood standing outside her dream, overjoyed over a pastry, and found refuge in a teasing comment.

"So, is it allowed to have coffee with these things?"

"Oh, hm, of course…" She placed the last bit of the macaroon in her mouth. "Oh, this is _so_ good, Jane, thank you! Let me get the coffee now. You just sit."

"I'm housebroken, you know." Jane went over to the dinner table and began to clear it.

With coffee ready and the table clean, they finally settled on the couch –a bit further away from each other than usual. The extra three inches felt to Jane's trained detective-eye like they were sitting in different worlds.

.

* * *

 **A/N: Before you throw sharp pointy things at me for this fairly short chapter, think that -at least- I'm publishing daily... :D**


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

* * *

The box with macaroons laid open on the couch, right between them. Maura reached out inside and picked a dark one, getting caught by Jane's amused look.

"I'm counting, you know…"

Maura dismissed the quip with a tiny smile. "Me too; this is my fourth _macaron_ , but the first coffee flavored. So why are you not sleeping?" Maura dropped the question as if asking why Jane had chosen the blue shirt instead of the white one.

Even though Jane had been expecting the question since she saw Maura's eyes scanning her face as she walked in, it still startled her. She had rehearsed a couple of answers, and all bounced between lying, omission, and variations of the truth.

Maura's caring eyes disarmed her and she found herself blurting out the truth, even if it was the partial truth.

"Dreams. _Very_ realistic and intense ones."

"Like with Hoyt?"

She shook her head. "They are not nightmares, they are just… intense. Feel like memories, I don't know. Stupid dreams, anyway." She buried her face in the coffee mug.

Maura wasn't keen on letting it go; Jane had only lost her sleep when faced with extreme situations in her life.

"So, when did this start?"

"I don't know… A few days ago? Why?"

The sweet aftertaste of the macaroons turned bitter when Maura realized the possible and likely correlation between her involvement with Julia and Jane's sleeplessness. She turned and folded her legs on the couch, her knee barely touching Jane's thigh.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Maura knew she was skating on thin ice but, above all, Jane was her best friend.

"Help me with what? The technique of eating a dozen macaroons without getting your face _and_ the couch full of cookie?"

Maura tilted her head. "Jane…"

"I'm serious. What do you want to help me with? I don't need help, Maura." Jane instantly regretted the edge of her words. "I'm fine, don't worry."

Something was still bothering Jane, and the lack of sleep was just another symptom. Even if she would not be able to get Jane to process anything, something had to be done, decided Maura.

"Jane, let's speak frankly. You did not take well my... the recent developments with Julia, and I really want you to know that nothing has changed between us."

"Oh. Is that why you prepared this fancy dinner? To reassure me? Why do you even need to do that? Come on, Maura."

Maura lowered her eyes, facing an unpleasant gust of guilt. "It's not like that, Jane. I made this dinner because I wanted to cheer you up, and to show you how I feel."

 _How she feels?_ A flash of her dream burned Jane's face and she zoomed in on her wringing hands.

"Jane, are your dreams connected in any way to Julia and I?"

Jane pressed her lips, helpless.

"Jane, look at me."

Jane obliged, slowly, until their eyes met. Maura's eyes probed her deep and she couldn't take it. Her eyes cowered, bumping with Maura's lips on their way down. She lost her breath; Maura's lips were more than a foot away, but she actually imagined them exactly like she had tasted them in her dream -warm, soft, hungry, adoring. She retreated and searched real-Maura's eyes. A silent gasp left her lips when she saw the intense mixture of emotions in them. It was some of what she had felt in the dream, but mashed up against deep confusion. Soon it became too much to bear. Breaking eye contact, her eyes found refuge in the grey fabric of her slacks.

Silence grew thick; she wouldn't dare to look back at Maura, and Maura kept completely still and silent. After a while, as she was considering her options out of this and fresh out of witty remarks, she heard Maura's voice. It was small, almost as if she were out of breath.

"What did you dream about, Jane?"

"Oh, I'm sure you know all the theories about dreams to even dare telling you anything. And they were stupid dreams, nothing more, anyway."

Science rescued Maura from her dazed state.

"Actually, I do find the subject quite intriguing, despite the lack of solid studies. There is a theory that says that dreams are nothing but a meaningless by-product of an increased neuronal activity occurring during our REM sleep, in which case you may be right in calling them "stupid dreams". But there is another theory, to which I subscribe, that proposes that dreams are the mechanism our brains have to incorporate memories, solve problems and deal with emotions. In your case, this theory seems quite relevant."

Jane laughed silently, shaking her head.

Maura frowned. "Why are you laughing?"

"Because I heard you saying stuff like that in my head, while I was trying to make myself fall asleep again."

"So, according to you, that would make me… what did you call it? Oh, yes. A predictable ass."

The sound of her own laughter felt inappropriate, but Jane couldn't help herself. As it died, Jane dared looking at Maura. "No, Maur. That would make you a predicable genius."

"I can't be a genius if nothing I say makes you sleep or feel better."

"I'm fine, Maura." The lie choked Jane. "Okay. I _will_ be fine. I just need to… stay awake until I'm so tired to even dream."

 _I just need to get over this_ _._

Jane remembered the name of that technique Maura had tried once on her, to get her to forget Hoyt. It had worked somewhat; at least, she had managed to sleep 6 hours without waking up sweating from one of those horrid nightmares. She had called it something like inversion therapy something or other. _No. Immersion therapy, that's it._ Maura had made her lie on her bed, candles on every horizontal surface close by. _Are you trying to_ _burn my nightmares to hell with all those_ candles? She loved how Maura could just ignore her when she behaved like a child with ADT - or mostly ignore her, rather; the tiny flicker of her eyebrows or shoulders was so adorable, and she lived for getting reactions like that out of her. _Come on, Jane, focus. You need to r_ _elax in a comfortable position, and then, slowly, you start facing your fears; an image, a sound, a memory, and finally, when you are ready, the actual object or situation causing it_. She remembered Maura rolling her eyes when she kept pulling faces as she was trying her to follow her instructions.

 _OK. Get comfie, breathe, chill, ask._

"Tell me about it." Jane blurted, shifting on the couch, instantly realizing she was doing it all wrong.

"About what?"

"About what happened with Julia."

Maura shifted in her seat, unable to look at Jane. "Why? It seems to upset you too much."

"And you are the one who always tells me that I need to face things and process stuff? You even tried that immersion therapy on me. It worked... a bit."

"That is true. But we both know you have your own ways and times to deal with things."

Maura flickered her eyebrows, shifting one shoulder, and giving her a tiny hint of a smile.

The gesture broke Jane down.

"Fine. Okay. I don't like that my best friend has found someone who makes her happy and I'm acting like a homophobic or I don't know what idiot. I don't like I'm losing sleep about something I shouldn't, it's so stupid."

"Is it stupid that I like Julia?"

"Oh god, Maura, not that." _The dreams about us are._ "I'm acting stupid."

"Jane, you are anything but that. And please, stop using that word."

"Yeah. Anyway. Are you going to tell me or what?"

Maura inhaled deeply, held her breath and exhaled slowly –counting, actually. "What do you want to know?"

"Did you really sleep with her?"

"Do you mean to ask if I had sex with her?" A fierce awkwardness gripped Maura, and not just because of Jane's wince. "I thought that you already knew that. So what is it that you _really_ want to know?"

"I don't know if I _want_ to know anything."

To judge by Jane's expression, Maura realized that Jane had been somewhat more transparent with her thoughts than intended.

"It's sex, Jane. That's what you do when you really like someone."

"She's a _woman,_ Maura."

"It's still sex, Jane."

"That's it?"

"I don't know what you expect me to say."

"Hell, I don't know. You really didn't notice the difference?"

Maura stomach dropped. She _did_ notice the difference, when her eyes traced Julia's hands resting on her breasts and found no scars.

Jane's raised eyebrows and piercing eyes her made her snap out of that one particular memory.

She sighed with relief. "Oh. You mean that I didn't notice that she didn't have a penis?"

Jane groaned. "Can you be any more explicit?"

"I could, but I don't think you'd like it. But yes, I did notice, and I did not miss it. But this is not about sex, Jane. I really enjoy being with her." _Even though I keep confusing her with you._

Maura saw how she was losing Jane to the dark clouds over her eyes, and spoke without even thinking about it. "But Jane, it doesn't change anything. I'm not any different than I was, and none of my prior relationships affected you or our friendship, so I see no reason why it should be any different this time." Maura felt confident that this was it. That it had to be it. She nearly convinced herself.

Before she could even think, Jane found herself blurting out words, not knowing where they were coming from. "Not true. She can give you all I do but better and more; she's more travelled, more elegant, more… like _you_. It's like a BFF that doesn't mock you _and_ she... she... you and her..." Jane wiggled her finger side to side, then closed her hand into a fist, a wave of anger searing words and her face.

 _What the hell was that?_ Jane got up, furious with herself.

Maura gaped at Jane's unexpected confession. "Where are you going?"

Jane groaned. "To get a gagging order against myself."

She reached the kitchen island, filled a glass with the left over wine and downed before leaning on the cold, grey counter top, head in hands and stood frozen with a hazy stupor. After a few moments she heard the click-clack of Maura's heels approaching and her heart took off as the Dream danced furiously under her closed eyelids.

She braced for impact.

Maura didn't touch her, but Jane could feel her close, really close. She could even feel her stare boring through her hands.

Eventually, the sticky, leaden silence was broken by Maura's soft whisper.

"Jane, look at me."

Silence.

"Please?" The strain in Maura's voice made Jane think she was about to cry. And that thought brought back Maura's smudged make up and her kiss and the heat and everything became a blur.

"Jane, don't do this."

The different words and the lack of physical contact brought Jane to Maura's apartment. She dropped her hands slowly, not quite braving eye contact yet.

"How can you say something like that? Is that what this is all about?"

"Forget it, Maur. I really don't want to talk about it. I should go now, I'm too tired to even think."

"I don't want you to go like this."

"I don't even know why I said what I said. Please forget it. I'm just tired, had a couple of exhausting dreams, I'm fine." Still avoiding Maura's eyes, Jane turned to get her jacket and keys. That's when the contact came; a strong hand in her elbow stopped her with determination. It stayed there for a moment, then guided her to turn around.

The hug was so familiar in its sheer intensity.

 _So beautiful, so fragile, so strong…_

She let herself fall into those arms, ashamed, confused, forgiven, safe.

"Oh, Jane." The whisper was followed by a gentle caress on her back. Jane fought to forget the Dream and her throbbing body and buzzing mind and focus on the caress, a simple gesture that meant nothing more than her best friend absolving her. Her struggle waned as she realized how aware she was of Maura's body. She felt every detail of Maura's face buried in her shoulder, over her hair. She felt her firm breasts pressing against her rib cage, just below her own, and her body throbbing in reaction to them.

Dream and Reality fused together with a force that left her aghast.

"I need to go, Maur."

Maura's arms held her firmly. "Please, don't go."

Those words, so warm and close and full of emotion, nearly made her resolve fade, but Jane broke off the embrace, needing to go out, get fresh air, and sleep until the world stopped turning.

"I'm sorry, Maur. I really am. Please don't be mad at me. I'll call you tomorrow, I promise. Thanks for the wonderful dinner, I mean it."

Maura nodded, her sadness overshadowed by a thousand doubts, fears, conflicting emotions and a tingling so intense like she had not felt before, but still could easily recognize.

.

* * *

 **A/N:** Okay, okay. Yes. A.N.G.S.T. But as in " **A** ll **N** ice **G** ood **S** tuff **T** omorrow".  
Oh, tomorrow's chapter is 14... OMG. Shouldn't say that but... okay, see you tomorrow same time. ;D


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N:** This chapter has been cooked and served to be read slowly. It's full of subtle clues, and you don't want to miss them. Enjoy! ;D

* * *

 **Chapter 14 - Saturday morning**

* * *

Maura woke up in a sweat.

It was 6:10 a.m., eight hours -almost to the minute- that Jane had left her with the world upside down, and her body like a mangled mess of raw nerves. She got up and took a shower, hoping it would melt the heavy knots in her neck and shoulders.

The hot water slid down her skin, revealing one thought after the other but none making sense. The throbbing headache was getting worse. Without even thinking about it, she chose a running outfit and went downstairs to get an Advil with some yoghurt.

As she forced the yoghurt down, her brain got stuck in the main issue: how could it be that she had confused Jane with Julia?

She chose a different route for her run so she was forced to watch where she was going. The chilly air of the still dark morning began to work its magic. Step by step, a highly disciplined Maura controlled her breathing and soon her thoughts. What she couldn't control was her body. She still felt the electricity; a heat flowing from deep within that had been awoken by eyes that she thought they were looking at her with the same intensity, and the same way, as Julia did. But that, she was certain of, had been just her imagination. Jane had never -and would never, ever- look at her like that.

Maybe it was a lot simpler than she feared. She had only been intimate once with Julia, although she had wanted more. She had held back out of fear of confusing Julia with Jane again. She shouldn't have done that; she knew well that fear is what we should fear the most.

But then, she ended up confusing _Jane_ with Julia.

She kept running at a steady -although hard- pace while her brain searched hard and deep for theories and studies until she concluded that she was struggling with a simple case of subconscious transfer, triggered by their similar physical appearances, and nothing more.

It couldn't be anything more.

The only logical way out of this was to be with Julia again, give her body what it demanded so she wouldn't displace her feelings again.

She returned home focused, eager to see Julia again, convinced that this held the key to unravel whatever had happened. She showered, dressed, and patiently waited until it was after 9 a.m., when she knew Julia would be already awake.

At 9:02 a.m. she dialled Julia's number. The delight in the smiley, soft voice warmed her up. For the first time since the night before, her chest felt released.

Half an hour later Maura rang Julia's doorbell. A beaming smile greeted her into a sun-lit, cozy, different place; it was exactly what she needed.

"I'm lucky I have so much work; the last few days felt too long. I'm so happy to see you again." Julia reached in and softly kissed Maura, and then retreated to the kitchen to pour some coffee.

"I thought you had plans today?" Julia looked lovely today, dressed with short, blue running shorts and a loose t-shirt and her hair tied in a ponytail.

"I do, but later. I hope I'm not disrupting _your_ plans." Maura couldn't stop staring at her. She looked gorgeous, and adorable, and... Maura closed her eyes purposefully, forcing the thoughts to stop before they even began.

Julia gave Maura a hot mug and settled close to her on the couch. Maura caught a very familiar whiff.

"Your hair... It smells nice." Maura was hoping that she had imagined it.

"Like it? It's a new hair mask I bought yesterday. It's works really well, actually, perfect for curly hair. Anyway, the only plan you're disrupting is working on weekends. Glad you did, by the way." Julia reached in and gave Maura a quick, light kiss. Maura forced the kiss to deepen. Her hands flew to Julia, and slid under her top.

"Wow, I'm glad you're so happy to see me..." Julia tilted back her head to look at Maura. "Sure you don't want your coffee first?"

Maura replied with a kiss on Julia's neck. All words were lost after that, as clothes were discarded and hands fumbled trying to quench a thirst for skin. Maura let Julia take over, all thoughts finally leaving her to be replaced with the intense pleasure brought by those skillful hands. It felt so good to feel her soft skin and lips ravishing her. It felt amazing to have her knowing fingers reducing her world to an enthralling heartbeat deep down inside. In a matter of minutes, Maura knew she was close, so close. She buried her head in the crook of the slender, familiar neck, and inhaled the wonderful smell of the hair mask she had bought for her three months ago, and let her body go.

Her voice escaped her lips ragged, bursting with love and desire.

"Oh... please, Jane!"

The contact ended suddenly, leaving Maura dizzy with loss just as she was at the edge. She opened her eyes and saw Julia. She was gaping, her brow tight, her eyes cold and questioning.

"Jane?"

Maura sat up, bewildered. "What?"

"You just… You called me Jane."

The room spun; Maura closed her eyes and leaned back, aware of every single symptom of a strong anxiety attack crashing on her.

.

* * *

.

"Drink this. It's Kava with honey." Julia handed her the hot mug of herbal tea and sat on the couch, keeping her distance and her hands deep in her towel robe's pockets.

Maura sat on the couch, her chest still aching, her hands and face still tingling but at least she could breathe almost normally again.

"You know, it's my fault." Julia's comment stupefied Maura.

"Whatever do you mean?"

"I _knew_ it. The first time I saw you with her, I felt it. I _knew_ there was something really strong between you two. I should have trusted my guts, but then, you told me you were straight and…" Julia bit her lips and nodded. "I believed you but-"

"I told you the truth, Julia. I can't lie, I faint or get hives if I do."

Julia's despondent smile tore Maura inside.

"I'm really sorry, Julia. I don't know what happened, or why. I truly don't understand it..."

"I'm sorry too."

" _You_ are sorry?"

Julia nodded, doleful eyes attempting a smile. "I like you so much, Maura, and I hope you know that, but I can't do this. I just can't. I can't sit here and process with you why it happened, or what it means because it's too painful. Too painfully clear, even if you don't want to see or admit it."

.

* * *

.

Maura knew she had to get up and to go to the Dirty Robber. She could not lie her way out, and she had the presents for Korsak. She couldn't stay in this coffeeshop for ever; she had to face reality sooner or later.

She called the waiter and settled the bill, resigned to leave the safety of the far away seaside café where she had spent all day since leaving Julia's house and after aimlessly driving around for an hour. The skin around her eyes stung and she rearranged her sunglasses. She could tell her makeup was caked with dry tears, and a visit to the bathroom confirmed it. Luckily she had enough material in her bag to fix it.

 _If only it would be that easy to fix everything else._

Just before putting her car in drive, she checked again her phone. There were no new messages. She opened again, for the umpteenth time, the short exchange of messages with Jane earlier in the day. She re-read the last message two messages, even if she knew them by heart.

 _"I'm so sorry Maur, I was tired and I don't know, pls pls pls don't be mad at me. R we ok?"_

" _It's okay, Jane. Don't be sorry. I'm fine. We're fine."_

She wondered how it was possible that she could lie so overtly in a text message without getting hives. She closed the messages, stashed the phone in her bag and headed for the party, fighting the crushing guilt of having hurt Julia as she discovered what she knew now to be the truth.

Half an hour later she stood at the entrance door to the Dirty Robber. She took a deep breath, straightened her head and shoulders and walked in.

Jane was standing by the bar, laughing with Angela and Korsak, blissfuly unaware of the tsunami that had crashed at Julia's house. Frankie, Nina and a few others were already there -even her trusted Suzie had joined in.

Jane saw her and waved, the spark in her eyes dying as she saw Maura's eyes. She had seen those tortured eyes before, in the dream, even if the eyeliner was intact. Her stomach churned. In three large strides she stood next to her.

"Maura?"

"Hello, Jane." Maura stood immobile, her bent arm holding her handbag and the bag with the presents, her hands pressed tight together. Jane could see right through the fake smile, deep into those dreamed red-rimmed hazel eyes that were now clearly avoiding her. As she tried to speak, Maura stopped her.

"Not now, Jane. We have a party going and presents to give." With a quick flicker, her eyes met Jane's and in that split fraction of a second, she managed to convince Jane to let go. She sat between Suzie and Frankie and ordered a glass of wine.

Jane sat next to Angela and Korsak. They seemed to be having a competition to see who could come up with the funniest, weirdest anecdote of working behind the bar - not that she was actually paying any attention. She just limited herself to laugh when they did, but her full attention was on Maura, sitting at the longest ten feet away ever.

The bar started to receive their first paying customers and the party ended, although nobody left. Maura was now talking to Suzie. She seemed fine now. Jane saw Frankie pointing at the jukebox. He put in some money, punched a few keys and turned around, grinning. Jane heard the first chords of a very familiar tune. Frankie met her eyes and raised his thumb up before joining some hot chick he had been talking to.

 _Well, make a wish, baby  
And I will make it come true  
Make a list baby, of the things I'll do for you  
Ain't no risk girl in lettin' my love rain down on you  
So we can wash away the past so that we may start anew_

Ambrosia's song rose above the chitchat of the bar. She looked at Maura, smiling with earnest. When their eyes met, the smile died as Jane saw tears welling up in Maura's eyes. She quickly got off the stool but before she could reach her, Maura had already stood up and was headed for the door, her hand reaching for her face.

"Maura, wait!" In a few easy strides, Jane caught up to Maura and followed her outside the bar. When Maura didn't stop, Jane put her hand on her arm but Maura lowered her hand breaking the contact.

"Don't, Jane, please. I need to go."

"Then I'm coming with you."

"You can't leave without saying goodbye."

"And you can because…?"

"Then go back and tell them I had to go, that I'm not feeling well."

"And they're going to believe me that I let you go feeling ill because…?" Jane nodded patiently, her eyebrows up, as the sheer logic of her reasoning sunk in Maura's brain.

Maura finally yielded.

"I don't want to talk, Jane."

"Fine, don't talk, but don't move either. I'm going to get my stuff, say whatever and be back in a sec. Don't move." Jane kept her finger pointing at her until she reached the door.

Jane walked in the bar, looking back over her shoulder to check that Maura wasn't moving. She broke into a jog, got her jacket and car keys and told Frankie to tell the rest that she had to take Maura home. Jane's scathing look made Frankie hold any questions.

When she got back outside, Maura wasn't there. A frantic search with her eyes found Maura leaning against the wall, a few yards further from the door.

"Okay, I'm driving you home now."

.

* * *

 **A/N:** Oops, again... Julia is gone. Maura now knows the truth. And now, what? :D


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15 - Saturday afternoon**

* * *

Maura sat on her couch, silent and still, hands trembling folded over her lap. It felt like a twisted déjà vu from the morning, except this time she was not emerging back from a panic attack, she was at home, and the one making her something to drink was Jane.

This time, she wasn't recovering from a panic attack. She was simply beaten by the fact that she stood no chance against Jane's detective skills; she would get a confession out of her, before or after the hives. She had had almost a whole day at the café to make peace with the fact that Jane was going to find out, but that didn't make it better.

Jane had reacted quite badly, to the point of losing sleep, to her liaison with Julia. Her question -comment- about noticing the lack of male apparatus in Julia had made it quite clear her dislike of the idea of being with a woman. No matter how kind, attentive, worried, loving Jane was behaving now, there was no way of knowing how she would face the real truth. The mere thought of losing Jane, or ruining their friendship, after the confession broke her all over again, even if the same thought had played in a loop for hours at the beachfront café.

A hot mug of coffee appeared in her line of vision. Jane gingerly transferred it into her hands and sat next to her. Maura saw her fingers idly rubbing her scars; she knew it was killing Jane to refrain herself from talking or asking questions. It was odd to think that, were the roles reversed, the exact same thing would happen.

Jane saw the small glance Maura threw her way and seized the opportunity.

"Okay, I know you're still upset with me, but… you were right. I was _so_ busy worrying about our friendship changing, and Julia taking my place, and all that...stuff, and my brain just went all... anyway. I can't bear to see you like this, Maur, especially if it's my fault. I swear I'll stop doing whatever I'm doing wrong. Please don't be sad?"

As Jane went silent, tears pushed out and rolled down Maura's face.

"What? What did I say? Why are you crying? Please don't cry!" Jane's hands hovered over Maura, uncertain, and then landed gently on Maura's knee.

"Maura?"

Jane's eyes shot wide open, jolted, as she saw Maura looking at her lips briefly before falling in her arms. Her sobs shook their shoulders, and Jane's heart thudded like a rolling drum. After a while, the crying was reduced to a few sniffles. Jane looked around for a Kleenex but there was none.

"Wait here a sec, Maur. Just one sec. I'm going to get you something for your…" Jane pointed at Maura's face. When she returned, Maura was hugging herself, her head down with one hand covering her face, but she wasn't crying anymore.

"Here." Jane left the Kleenex box on Maura's lap and held it until Maura took one out.

She bit her lips, still hearing her chest being hammered with soft but unrelenting thuds.

Maura left the spent Kleenex on her lap and spoke wearily.

"She left me."

It was the truth. It was a proverbial bone thrown in desperation, not really believing it was going to appease Jane.

Jane's jaw dropped. When Jack left Maura, she had been down and sad, but had not shed a tear -at least not in front of her. It dawned on her that she had completely underestimated Maura's attachment to the ADA after barely one or two weeks. Then she wondered whether her reaction was related to discovering being a lesbian only to be dumped days later. In any case, she felt even more guilt than before for being such an insensitive ass.

"Why? What happened? Were you too… straight for her?"

Maura was surprised that Jane wanted to talk about Julia, about them. Maybe she was now really okay with it. She was such a good friend.

"No." She took a Klennex to her eyes, just to hold back the urge of crying again.

"No? So what happened?"

"Please don't ask me that, Jane?"

"Why not?"

Maura took a deep breath as she closed her eyes, then begun to gently bite the tip of her fingers.

"Maura? Why can't I ask you what happened?"

"Because I'll have to answer with the truth."

"Come on, it can't be _that_ bad... Remember, you once said: "Jane Rizzoli is strong enough to handle it", right?"

Maura snorted softly at Jane's imitation of her. A jaded hint of a smile fainted as it appeared.

"We were in bed and I said something that really upset her."

"Okay, maybe I shouldn't have asked."

Maura sighed relieved.

"…but I still want to know?"

"The detective in you wants to know. You don't."

"I do! Look at you, of course I want to know... unless it involves some kinky stuff, then I _really_ don't want to know."

Maura looked at Jane, and it was Dream Maura again, now in all her glory: red-rimmed eyes, smudged eyeliner, and an intense, very intense stare. Jane froze, just like she had in the dream, everything rushing back at once.

"Julia knew from the start, and all along but she chose not to see it. I can't believe that _I_ didn't see it. Now it looks obvious; I can see it too and I'm scared, Jane. I'm so scared..."

Dream-Maura-in-the-flesh broke contact for a second as she flickered her eyes down to Jane's lips and back again. Jane felt her hands started to tremble, the room dissolving around the renewed stare.

"Maura, I'm not... following you, what-" Jane's hesitant, throaty voice barely made it out.

Maura inhaled and let the words out in one burst. "I made a mistake. I hurt Julia, and I think –I _know_ \- I am about to hurt you too."

Jane sucked air in and held her breath, steading herself on the backrest.

Maura's eyes filled with tears again and she looked away. The sudden release of that intense gaze made Jane lose her bearings. After a moment, she realized Maura was crying again. She reached out and held Maura's hands.

"I'm here, Maur, and nothing you say can hurt me."

Maura nodded, exhaling a quiet sob. Then, as she applied the 4-7-8 breathing technique she had once unsuccessfully tried to teach Jane, her face became more relaxed. She let out a resigned sigh.

"Yes, I can, Jane. And I will, and I'm so sorry. But all right, you know I can't lie to you." Her eyes sought Jane's, begging, repentant, resigned. Then she looked back at the Kleenex in her hand. "I don't _want_ to lie to you. So, this morning, for just a moment, at possibly the worst of times, I thought she was you, Jane. For the second time, I confused her with you. And now I know that I _wanted_ her to be you."

"It can't be."

Maura barely caught Jane's whisper, and turned to Jane. "I know, Jane, and I'm so very sorry. That's why I told you I'd be hurting you but-"

Jane shook her head and said "No", but no sound came out this time. Her mouth was so dry that she could barely swallow. She sat forward with legs apart, elbows resting on knees and face buried in her hands.

"I'm sorry, Jane. I'm so sorry. But this doesn't have to change anything, I promise. Please..."

"Dream." Jane's words only made it out as a mumble.

Maura frowned.

"What?"

"Dreamt this. My dream. First one." Jane groaned against her hands.

Maura sat up, and tilted forward her head trying to catch Jane's eyes.

"Jane? What are you trying to say?"

Maura eventually reached out and gently pried Jane's hands away from her face, hope bouncing off dread.

Jane's eyes slowly moved up until Maura's face came into the field of vision.

"Jane?"

But Jane couldn't face Maura. She could not face her after having –almost- convinced herself that it had all been just a consequence of her insecurities, and psycho-whatever background processing, and...

"Fuck." Jane's eyes sought Maura's and begged. "Oh, sorry Maur, I meant… crap." Jane's shoulders drooped.

And just like that, out of the blue, Maura let out a clear laugh. It was Jane's turn to be stunned.

"Oh, Jane, I'm sorry. I- I guess I'm just too nervous but… that recovery was quite inelegant, even for you."

Jane shook her head, staring at Maura's oddest of reactions. "Okay… _this_ is not like the dream and you _are_ weird."

Fueled by hope, the words found an easy path out of Maura's lips. "What happened in that dream, Jane?"

Maura's laugh had managed to break the suffocating intensity, but it also leveled the way for the unavoidable truth. Jane shrugged in surrender. Her voice stretched out of her like a worn out rubber band.

"It was late, middle of the night. You came home, crying, like…" Jane's finger pointed at Maura and wiggled, as if painting the dream over her. "You said that you had made a mistake, that you were confused. That it wasn't about Julia, that it had always been about me and..."

Maura stared at Jane, barely breathing, hearing just the extreme effort of the atrial and ventricular valves in her chest.

"And?"

Jane scratched her head again, seeing and feeling every single detail that came after that. Her blush was so intense that her ears burnt.

"And you… Oh god." Jane groaned. "You... kissed me." She closed her eyes, bracing for... She didn't know what to brace for, but something huge had to happen.

"I did?"

"Oh, yes."

Maura felt an earthquake coursing right through her. She looked away, trying to figure out what to think, feel, do but she soon realized this was not something she could work out alone. She turned back to Jane, who was now rubbing her forehead, fingers white from the pressure exerted.

When nothing happened, Jane dared to look at Maura. They stared at each other, as if they were lifelong pen pals meeting face to face for the first time.

Eventually, Jane's eyes hinted a strange smile that Maura could not decode, drowning as she was in her own carnival of overcoming feelings.

Maura closed her eyes, bracing herself for the inevitable rejection, hoping for at least a promise of friendship-no-matter-what. Jane saw the profound sadness contained in those tight lips and eyes, and it dawned on her that Maura had not really understood. Jane couldn't blame her; _she_ couldn't comprehend any of it. But something was clear: beyond the panic and the confusion, she felt a tenderness beyond words, and the imperative need to reach out and feel Maura close, as close as she could.

Her hand reached out and landed on Maura's shoulder. She felt the muscles tensing under the fingertips.

"Maura…"

"I know, Jane, you don't have to say it. It's okay, I'll be fine."

Completely terrified and uncertain of the road ahead, Jane reached out and gently guided Maura's face towards her.

"Maura, it's not like that. The dream… I _liked_ it." The words came out in a broken murmur. She swallowed and pressed her lips as her eyes ventured down Maura's face, until she reached the parted lips. They looked suddenly so close...

"But Jane, you're not… you don't…"

"Hm. Look who's talking..." Jane's whisper rode on the soft glint of her eyes.

"But…" Maura's words evaporated as she saw Jane's eyes tentatively caress every detail of her face, with a look not far from awe. She followed them as they reached her lips, anticipation sending shivers and a wave of heat to every pore. She closed her eyes and waited holding her breath.

Instead of the kiss she was expecting, needing, dreading, she felt Jane's timid fingertips land on her cheek and slide down, slowing down when they reached the corner of her mouth. They moved on, finally leaving her skin as they reached her chin. The disappointment drowned her, only to give way to a wave of fear.

"Maura?"

Maura was unable to speak, her body clenched by fear and a new conscious desire that had tasted a sliver of freedom, and was now relentlessly pushing out.

"Maur, are you okay? Please look at me?"

Maura eyes opened, unable to hide any longer.

"How can this be, Maur? What does it mean?" The tone made it sound like a rhetoric question.

Maura was not as interested in finding an answer to those questions, but rather, she needed to now what was going to happen. The memory of Julia's story about her straight lover thundered in her head like an philharmonic orchestra.

"Are you afraid?" Jane left out the word "also", but her eyes said it for her.

Deep lines crossed Maura's brow. Instead of answering, she told Jane the story about Julia's straight girlfriend.

When she finished, Jane blew out the breath she didn't know she had been holding.

A friendship had died because they had pushed it to a level that wasn't shared, despite all the initial signs. The mere thought of losing Maura made Jane feel more afraid she had ever been of Hoyt, but before she could get sucked into that thought, she saw a harrowing fear and sadness in the familiar hazel eyes.

"It's her story, Maur, not ours."

"I know, but-"

"We are stronger than that, Maur. I don't know what this means, or what is going to happen, but no matter what…" Jane's heart expanded, drowning meaningless words. She reached out and enveloped Maura in a hug that told her all that she couldn't; a hug that felt exactly like the one in her first dream. She felt her body relax into Maura's warmth, under her delicately strong and trembling hands.

The yawn came so unexpectedly and with so much force that Jane had no time to stop it.

Maura broke the embrace and leaned back, her hands over Jane's shoulders. They looked at each other, eyes wide and incredulous.

Their simultaneous laughter rang sweet like the first breath of spring.

They both knew that winter was not over, but -for now-, this was good enough.

.

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 **A/N:** ... :) ?


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: Part 3 of a very, very, _very_ long day for Maura. Thanks for all the lovely reviews, and for walking this slow, intense path with Jane and Maura.**

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 **Chapter 16 - Saturday evening**

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A strange, unfamiliar sound woke Jane up. She tried to locate it, not knowing the source, or even where she was. Her fingers found the culprit: it was the new phone in her belt - she had forgotten to change the ringtone. As she answered the call, she realized that she was stretched under a blanket on Maura's couch.

Another phone rang. It was Maura's.

Jane heard shuffling on the chair behind her head, and muted steps running to the kitchen.

"Isles." Maura's voice sounded sleepy.

A body had been found on the water behind Ryan Playground, and the real world came crashing in. Jane sat up and rubbed her face, her consciousness filling with a tide of memories – confessions, fear, embrace, yawn…

She heard Maura coming back. As she was putting away her phone, she saw Maura sitting next to her, still trying to wake up, eyes uncertain, questioning.

Jane smiled, nodding reassuringly, but also letting the familiar, comforting hazel eyes shield her from the onslaught of emotions and thoughts she could taste coming. She took a deep breath, drawing a confident smile to dress up a reality far more intense than all of her dreams. She hoped that going out and getting down to work would help them ease the weight of all the unsaid things hanging between them.

"Come on, let's go have some fun."

"I can't go like this, my clothes are all wrinkled."

"Maura, we're going to a crime scene, in a park, at night, and I'm sure the dead guy won't mind. Come on." Jane stood up and helped a protesting Maura stand up, her hand gently leading her by the elbow.

Maura shifted her left shoulder. " _I_ will mind."

"I'm sure you will, let's go. Can we stop to get a take-out burger on our way? I'm starving."

They got their keys, jackets and turned the lights off. Maura adjusted her bag on her shoulder as she walked out and closed the door. "We're not eating in the car."

"It's _my_ car, Maura. Yours is at the Dirty Robber."

"Oh, right. Okay."

"Oh, so you don't mind messing _my_ car with food?" Jane pushed an accusatory eyebrow up, and found an easy, adorable smile as reply.

They got in the car, basking in the unexpectedly easy aftermath of a night that had brought more questions that resolution, and that seemed more like a dream than any of Jane's dreams.

A half submerged body tangled in roots and leaves was a distraction all right, Jane thought, cursing as her feet stepped into unseen water. Maura was still by Jane's car, changing her high heels for a pair of sturdy rubber boots. Jane smiled when she realized that Maura had finally learnt her lesson, even if that meant giving up her own boots for the cause. She followed her with her eyes as she got down to work, painfully aware that she was looking at her _differently._

When she would usually see just the familiar form of her friend bent over a body, now she was paying attention to the little frown as she concentrated, the way her head tilted from side to side looking for clues, how her pinkie shifted up as she was picking something from the body. She remembered those hands trailing her back, gripping her neck. Her body throbbed.

 _Oh god, I'm batting for the Yankees..._

Korsak shook that thought out of her startled head with a very pragmatic comment about the case. After that, Detective Rizzoli took over and, for a while, everything went back to normal.

It took Maura and the CSI team over an hour to process and retrieve the body. By the time they were ready to go, Jane felt like her feet were made of lead. That hour of sleep on Maura's couch had been enough to get her here and do her job. Now she wanted something hot in her stomach, a bed, a long, long night sleep and a finger on the pause button.

Maura was not in better shape. She changed out of the boots and dropped –even if elegantly- on the passenger seat of Jane's car.

"I need a hot, long, bubble bath." Maura let her head fall on the backrest and closed her eyes.

"I need food."

Maura shot an incredulous glance her way.

"What? That was a very small burger!" Jane pointed at her watch. "And soon I'll need breakfast too."

"Aren't you tired?"

"I'll deal with that after I solve the food issue." Jane turned the ignition and put the car in drive. _And all the rest can wait until tomorrow._

"I need to get my car." Maura's comment was nothing more than a mental note, but Jane mistook it, together with the bubble-bath wish, as Maura's way to tell her she wanted to be on her own.

"I'll drop you off on my way, don't worry." The disappointment in Jane's voice was mirrored in her sudden somber mood.

Maura winced. The taxing complexity of the crime scene on top of heart-wrenching, almost eternal day, had her barely thinking past her own exhaustion.

"Come home, Jane. Let's warm up the food I made." She held her breath when she saw the indecision in Jane's face, exhaling only after Jane's curt nod.

They ended up leaving Maura's car where it was; Jane was too tired to drive more than was strictly necessary.

As they walked into Maura's house, she kicked off her shoes and picked them up. "The food is in the fridge, in the plastic container with the red lid. I'm going to run the bath."

Jane had no idea what the food in the plastic container with the red lid contained, but it smelled wonderful, even cold. She put it in the microwave and set out two plates and glasses on the counter. When everything was ready, she took out a beer and sat on the couch to wait out the remainder of the customary 30 minutes Maura usually took for her special bubble bath. She hoped she would make it that long before starting to drool or something.

The beer was empty and she was falling asleep, her exhausted brain blissfully empty from thought, when something startled her. She checked her watch; it was just after 1 a.m., and that meant that Maura had been gone for over 45 minutes. She left the bottle on the coffee table and sprinted upstairs. The bedrooms were empty and there was no sound coming from the bathroom.

"Maura, are you okay?" Jane knocked again on the bathroom's door. "Maura?"

She had never, ever entered the bathroom when Maura was inside; it was one of the very few clear unspoken limits of their friendship, but it was also yet another sign of her astonishing prudishness. But Maura had been in the bath for way too long; although it was highly improbable that something had happened, Jane's heart hammered with fear.

She knocked a third time. "Maura, wake up. If you're awake, cover yourself up, I'm coming in." When no reply came, she braced herself to walk in on a very naked Maura. Jane entered the bathroom with only one half-open eye. Maura's head was leaning back on her special bath cushion, her skin glowing against the shimmering lights of the candles. The relief to see that Maura had not drowned was violently overcome by the flush cursing her entire body as she saw Maura quite naked without the covering of the bubbles.

Taking a deep breath, she knelt next to the bath to check for signs of normal breathing. She saw Maura's breasts gently dip in and out of the water, and lost her breath. Relief and embarrassment crashed against mesmerizing curiosity.

Maura, already partially awake from the knocks on the door, opened her eyes and saw Jane kneeling next to her, staring at her naked breasts. A strong shiver coursed through her -a mixture of cold and something much more profound and embarrassing. She knew that feeling well: it was need. It was desire; raw, intense, and impossible to dress up, ignore, or confuse with something else.

Jane saw ripples in the water and jumped back, looking away visibly flushed. "I was just… checking….," Her finger pointed at Maura's chest. "…breathing."

"I'm cold but fine, Jane. I just fell asleep. Could you please pass me the towel?" Maura got out of the water slowly, completely at ease with her naked body, but not so much with her reaction and Jane's nervousness.

Jane gave her the towel, her eyes fixed on the wall.

"I'll just… wait..." She pointed with her index finger towards the door.

Safely back in the kitchen, she set the food to warm up, and hovered, seeing not the microwave, but Maura's breasts, and the memory of how they felt in her dreams, and -more recently- during their last hug. Her tired brain was struggling to deal with this when Maura walked in wearing a red silk robe, her hair brushed but not styled, her soft but tired face clean of makeup.

 _So beautiful, so fragile, so strong…_

Jane stole a piece of what she thought was chicken from the serving dish and stuffed it in her mouth. She chewed it furiously until that damn dream got out of her head, and her heart rate was back under control. When she finally sat next to Maura it was nearly 2 a.m. They sat eating slowly, in silence; exhaustion blissfully overpowering thinking. After the meal was over, Jane loaded the dishwasher and then got her keys and jacket.

"Where are you going?"

"Home?"

"At this time of night? Why? It's late."

Jane didn't know exactly why she made a motion to go, because she wanted to stay -and didn't dare ask herself why. She nodded and followed Maura upstairs after turning the lights off.

Jane hesitated when they reached the upper floor; the guest bedroom was made up. She hovered for a second to see what Maura would do. Maura's briefly caught her eyes, then flickered to the guest bedroom and back at her robe tie as she adjusted it.

She spoke softly. "The good thing about being so tired is that it will almost guarantee you a peaceful night sleep."

Jane felt at once relief and disappointment, and nodded, forcing her hint of a smile. "That's good because I'm beat." She took a deep breath. "Well…"

Maura stood looking at Jane, her eyes uncertain and unreadable. "All right. So… I guess you'll sleep tight then?" She hesitated for a second and reached up, softly leaving a gentle kiss on Jane's cheek. She then turned around, leaving a jittery and drained Jane Rizzoli standing against the guest bedroom's door.

.

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A/N: Oh, hm... did you really think that...? Oops. ;)


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17 - Sunday Morning: Maura**

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The early morning sun fluttered through the blinds and landed on Maura's relaxed closed lids. She turned to her left, away from the window, and opened her eyes.

 _Jane_.

Her heart jolted.

She sprang out of bed and rushed to the guest bedroom. She reached the open door and exhaled when she saw Jane stretched on the bed, fast asleep. Seeking the support of the doorframe, she let her body rest on it while her eyes focused on Jane's relaxed shape.

 _I liked it. I wanted her to be you. It's so obvious even if you can't see it, sorry._

Maura covered her mouth, the other hand landing on her heaving chest. Her closed eyes barely held back a tear –or many. The wall held her upright until the dizziness had passed and her feet started to move, taking her safely away; away from a peacefully sleeping Jane - _she hasn't slept because of me-,_ until she found herself standing in her bathroom.

The reflection of her large mirror showed eyes puffy from sleep and held-back tears. Were they sad or happy? She couldn't tell; a St. Patrick's Day parade of emotion was trying to burst out of them, clouding her thoughts.

 _St. Patrick? Why am I thinking of St. Patrick's now?_

Her clinical, complex mind made the connection instantly. Green: her brain was trying to tell her something.

Green is hope -but it can also mean jealousy. Shamrock green is dark, like avocado green -new beginnings. _Or is it maybe dark green, the color of insecurity?_ She shook her head; green is a good color: it creates balance of energy, heals the heart, helps us overcome a fear of giving, and sharing. It speaks of renewal and peaceful thoughts.

 _I love Jane. So much... How could I not see it? I love all of her. Could she ever? How?_ _Can't help you process this. You kissed me, I liked it. She never loved me like I loved her, I had to leave her, never saw her again. No matter what happens, this is it. I liked it. I liked it..._

The mirror showed the deep furrows drawn by those disjointed thoughts, and in them, she saw old-age-Maura greeting her from the future, and her first thought was Jane. A hint of a smile germinated when she imagined Jane at 70, pointing a weathered hand at her -the scar barely visible on it-, and laughing at her attempts of wearing stilettos, and then showering her with still-sparkling eyes, full of that gentleness she had always had. Or is that love?

Yes.

Love.

Fear gripped her throat, chest, and stomach until her heart and lungs almost stopped. Maura bent down and her hands brought a splash of cold water to her face. Somewhat calmer, she undressed and let the hot water finish her methodical self-control exercises. Once she was dressed and ready, she tiptoed with stilettos in hand until she reached, again, the guest room. Light snoring confirmed Jane was asleep, but the crumpled covers told her that the sleep might not be as restful as she looked. Holding back a renewed assault of thoughts, she left the door and went downstairs.

In one of the kitchen island drawers she found a post-it pad and pen, and scribbled a short message telling Jane she had gone to work, and that she'd be back by lunchtime. Her hand halted just as she was going to write XOXO, as she would normally do. Instead, she wrote: "I'll bring lunch." The pen hovered over the empty space after the last word, finally deciding against adding, "wait for me."

With that, she picked up her bag, jacket and closed the door quietly behind her.

The body found at the park was exactly the challenge she needed; an unclear cause of death, obscured even more by the natural elements, would require all of her concentration and expertise –and she had to work fast, before the evidence degraded in any way.

After a couple of minutes, she looked at her watch and realized she had been examining the body for almost one hour. No thoughts of Jane, of them, had surfaced. She went to fetch a cup of coffee, and returned ready to perform the autopsy.

By the time she was done, it was almost noon. She checked her phone, but there were no new messages. Had Jane woke up and left? Or was she still sleeping? She hoped for the latter, as that would mean that their conversation actually had a positive effect on her and no longer needed her dreams to do any background, subconscious processing. Jane's uncanny ability of shutting things out helped her deal with the most grueling aspects of her job but, ultimately, even she needed to process and close things to fully heal. Dreaming was a valid method as any, but not sleeping was not good for her body or mind.

Maura let air fill her chest. She held it, as if drawing from it the strength to start putting some order to the chaos of contradicting thoughts and feelings, and find some peace again.

She called the on-duty lab assistant to help her move the body back to the refrigerator. She let him do the final clean up as she sat behind her desk, her laptop open and waiting for her notes. Her phone buzzed and her heart stumbled before the disappointment took over. It was a text message from Constance, saying hi from Istanbul and telling her she had just been invited to hold a new exhibition in New York next spring.

What would Constance say of all of this? Probably she'd say "Oh darling, how wonderful, I'm really glad for you. I like Jane, she's got character, she is good for you" and go back to her own anecdotes.

Maura smiled grimly as an ancient pit in her stomach burned strong. It was the pit carved out of years of feeling alone, abandoned, taken for granted -a lifetime of not belonging that had ended with Jane. None of her boyfriends had ever come close to making her feel as special, as appreciated, as important, as safe as Jane had. Not even Ian, or Jack. Julia was the first one to have a real chance, but even though she admired her passion and levelheaded outlook on life, and shared so many interests -and a really intense chemistry-, it just wasn't enough. It wasn't what Jane gave her. It wasn't what she now wanted Jane to give her, what she wanted to give Jane.

Julia wasn't Jane.

She still wanted to have someone in her life to share _all_ her interests. Julia could have been that person, but Jane gave her perspective. Her different interests, background and outlook on life made her grow as a person. She was a better person because Jane was in her life. And all of this was wrapped in a love -pure and easy- that had never demanded to be quantified or categorized. It was an undemanding, all-giving love.

Maura gasped, closing her eyes and rested her throbbing head on her fingertips.

Her friendship with Jane was shaped and defined by unconditional support and selfless giving. Friends made no demands. Jane made no demands, ever-, but lovers could not help but do; the very nature of desire and need dictated so. Her love for Jane had become demanding. Her body and soul demanded to get Jane –the real thing-, no matter what, no matter how much she tried to ignore it or play it down.

And still, her brain –the same one that Jane admired- now was fighting against her with all its power. It was as if it had kept her in the dark for years and now, even in the face of overwhelming evidence, it still kept fighting her from threatening the only real, solid relationship in her entire life. Threats that could come to life by placing unrequited demands on Jane, her own inadequacies or historical lack of capacity of choosing or keeping the right partner.

The frustration made her sink further into her hands, a salty storm brewing inside but too angry to even consider coming out, when she heard a knock on the door.

It was David, the lab assistant. Dr. Isles took over, elegantly concealing the startled reaction.

"Excuse me, Dr. Isles, but I'm done with what you asked. My shift is over and Beth is here ready to take over, but before I go, I wanted to give you this." He lifted a paper bag with vegetables peeking from inside. "I was going to leave it in the fridge for you, but since you're here…"

Maura's eloquent raised eyebrows spoke for her.

He laughed. "Oh, I grew these at home. I've brought some Swiss chard, onions, and carrots. They are all organic." He grinned proudly.

Maura couldn't contain her surprise, blissfully distracted from her inner earthquake. "That's wonderful, David. I didn't know you liked organic gardening."

He shrugged. "I didn't, not until last year. I have this huge yard at home, and one day my uncle, the one who taught me how to garden, came to visit and we got chatting, anyway, he showed me pictures of his garden now and it was amazing. He still had flowers and loads of beautiful stuff but everything was food, organic stuff. He made me try some veggies he grew and… And I'm a chatterbox, I'm sorry, Dr. Isles."

Maura shook her head, smiling gently. "No, please, I love the story. Come in, David. Come in."

David stepped in cautiously, left the bag on her desk and shuffled uncomfortably, his eyes sweeping the well-decorated office as if he was trespassing sacred ground.

"So, you started your own vegetable garden?"

David's eyes lit up, his smile proud and disarmingly earnest.

"Well, yes, I did. My uncle helped me out, of course. It was really hard and scary at first, when deciding to change it… I had won a couple of local gardening prizes, you know, and I found it beautiful as it was -as beautiful as it could get. I was so afraid of making a huge mistake and losing so many years of hard work. But he convinced me, and it's been amazing… Now I just can't imagine having only flowers to make pretty. You should see it, it's still beautiful _and_ I get to eat really good stuff from it." He shrugged and smiled apologetically. "Anyway, I know you like greens and organic food, so," He pointed at the bag. "Hope you like it!"

Maura's attention faltered with the almost crude but quite relevant analogy. She forced herself to stop thinking of Jane and gave David a full-teeth, earnest smile.

When David had left, she slumped back on her chair, as if her entire musculoskeletal system had caved under the weight of such a simple comparison. Remnants of her fears stayed behind, swirling around her mind and heart, but at least, David's story had brought her some sense of peace, washing the strangling hold of paralysing fear and unrelenting need.

Maura slowly packed her bag, closed her laptop and headed out. She had promised Jane to get food –she wanted to get those gnocchi she loved so much-, and it was getting late.

Hopefully, she'd be still at home -there for her, as always, no matter what.

.

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A/N: Maura has finally faced her inner demons, which is always good... and that is such a good starting point for a solid, healthy relationship, don't you agree? :D

Don't forget to say hi, or check checkboxes, or send smoke-signals (no, no need to smoke for that ;). Your comments literally brighten up my day.


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N:** Thanks for leaving your thoughts  & comments, following, and weathering the angsty times. Loads of luv for your patience and encouragement :)

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 **Chapter 18 - Sunday Morning: Jane**

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"Hello, Jane…"

Jane's spine froze. The slow dragging of those two words sent chills right from her neck all the way down to her toes. She hadn't heard that voice in a long, long time, and it came from inside the interrogation room to her right.

Her heart throbbed as she approached the ajar door. She made a fist to stop her sweaty hand from trembling. The light blue door creaked as she opened it; inside, there was a bare table. The first thing she saw was her bullet marks on the handcuffed hands resting on the tabletop. Her eyes trailed up, until her stomach turned with the vision of his dead eyes, framed by the charred skin left by her flare.

"My, my, my. There you are. I was wondering when you would grace me with your lovely, lovely presence." Hoyt stretched his lips, lowering his head just slightly as he stabbed her with his dead eyes. "I missed you. Did you miss me, _Jane_?"

The brief, charged pause before he said her name made her mouth feel like cardboard. Her heart rate was so high that she could count the beats in her ears.

"Oh, what do we have here?" His eyes were focused on her hands. More exactly, they were zooming in on Jane's left hand. "Don't tell me that you finally married Maura." He laughed, but the sound grated Jane's ears. "Given that she is like me, it's a bit like _we_ are married, don't you think?"

"Don't. Say. Her. Name. And she is _nothing_ like you. _Nothing._ "

"Of course, Jane, if you say so. Anyway, I know that the ring is just a formality; you two have always made a lovely couple. You should have married her years ago, then I would have had the perfect couple to have fun with. Hmm… I still remember our little encounter in the hospital, us three," Hoyt shook his head, faking a shiver. "I just loved seeing your face, hear you scream when you saw Maura under my hands -all that hatred full of terror. Hmm...," He inhaled slowly, deeply, as if smelling her fear. "You know, I _loved_ that sweet, sweet moment when I felt the scalpel breaking skin, and the blood -so thick and dark- staining her lovely skin. But that was _nothing_ compared to seeing her finally afraid or me."

"I killed you, you bastard... You are dead. _Dead,_ and she is safe with me."

"Are you sure, Jane?" Hoyt lifted the eyebrow on the undamaged side of his face.

She felt strong but gentle hands holding her arms from behind. Before she could shake them off, she heard Barry's voice.

"Come on, Jane, leave him."

Her eyes shot wide open, leading her face to turn around, slowly. Frost smiled at her, his perfect teeth shining just as bright as his eyes.

"Forget him, Jane, he's a dead loser."

"God, Frost, what…" The lump in her throat broke her voice, and her next words were barely more than a tearful whisper. "But you… you are dead."

"Do I look dead to you? Come on, Jane. Maura's waiting at the crime scene."

Jane followed Frost along the corridor. He stood by the elevator, pressing the button once and turning to smile at Jane.

"Hey, my mom and her wife send their love to you and Maura, they were so excited when I told them you two finally got hitched." He shook his head, his smile blinding Jane. "Hard to believe that you were running like a wet chicken at first. Ha. Look at you now... It's great to see you so happy, Jane." His hand tapped softly on the back of her shoulder. Twice.

Before she could answer, Angela came running down the hall, wearing the Division One Café apron.

"Janie, honey, I got them, I found the brochures I told you about! Oh, hey Barry. You look great!"

Jane stood gaping.

"What? Don't tell you me you forgot… Santorini? Your honeymoon? Maura will _love_ this hotel I found for you."

"Ma?"

"Come on, Jane, Maura is waiting." Frost led her away from Angela. The elevator door opened and Jane found herself inside a bar she vaguely recognized.

"Oh, there you are! What took you so long?" Maura ran to her, almost tiptoeing, and kissed her full on the lips. She was wearing an awful outfit of short skirt and a peasant blouse that left _very_ little to the imagination.

Jane threw cautionary glances left and right, and whispered horrified. "Maura, what are you wearing?"

"I'm undercover. Don't you like it?" Maura filled her lungs, making her breasts stand up right under Jane's nose.

"Oh god," Jane took her jacket. "Please put this on."

"Oh, no, I love it," Maura looked at her blouse and fluffed out the wavy white collar. "And I know you love it too." Maura wiggled her shoulders, smiling coyly but raising a tempting eyebrow, and left to tend to the bloody victim lying on the floor. She had an icepick sticking out of her chest, running through a paper napkin with a logo on it.

Jane leaned down and saw the name "Merch" written in bold, black letters.

She heard a heaving sound. It was Frost, now with his back to the victim and covering his mouth with his hand. "That has to be Doyle."

"Oh, no, my father would not do this. What would he possibly want with a lesbian, in a lesbian bar?"

"Maura, are you guessing?"

"Of course not. I don't guess. In fact, I never say or do anything until I am absolutely sure that I mean it." Maura tilted her head, her surprised eyes softly smiling at her. "You know that, don't you?. Anyway, I'm done here. Oh, hey Julia!"

Jane forced herself to turn around. The ADA was standing by the bar, smiling and waving at Maura. A wave of heat broke in her stomach, searing it, and then bounced all the way up to her face. She followed Maura with her eyes as she approached that woman.

"Hello, Julia." Maura seemed a lot less bubbly, and a lot more uncomfortable with her dress now. "I didn't know I'd find you here."

"I don't usually come to lesbian bars, but… Anyway, it's good to see you. I heard you got married, a nice wedding with the family and everything." Her face smiled, but her eyes didn't, betraying a deep sadness. Jane actually felt sorry for her.

Maura cast her eyes down, and then looked at Jane.

"I'm sorry for what I did to you, Julia. But I am also so very grateful. Hadn't it been for you, I would have never realized what I really felt. It has changed my life."

"Yes. You look radiant. Maybe I should leave the DA's office and open a clairvoyant shop of sorts." Her smile was genuine, even with the evident sorrow in them. "I'm sorry I lost you, but Detective Rizzoli is one lucky woman; she gets to be with you for the rest of her life."

Maura looked at Jane and her eyes irradiated love; one so profound, calm, deep that Jane forgot about Julia, Hoyt and the room vanished.

"Are you okay?" Maura's minty breath was warm, inviting, as loving as her eyes.

Jane's eyebrows pushed up, her big brown eyes looking at her like a small, defenseless puppy.

"Don't tell me you are scared... Jane Rizzoli is strong enough to handle anything, remember?"

"Yeah," Jane smiled, nodding, her eyes lost in the deep hazel that held her whole, healed. Home. "Sometimes I forget, but yeah. I was _so_ focused on what could go wrong, all this change, you… I was so afraid of what may happen if I fell for you, thinking that I would lose myself if I broke free from my little box. Afraid that I would lose _you._ I'm not good at this. But," A small, timid smile shone in her eyes as she shrugged. "But I don't have to be afraid anymore."

Jane ran her arms around Maura's waist, and let herself fall into that kiss she had been wanting to give her since she was sitting on the couch, trying to calm Maura down. "You know I _do_ , don't you?"

Maura kissed her again, softly. "Yes, and I love you too, Jane. But please don't yawn again in my ear."

Jane woke up laughing, light -almost airy.

When she opened her eyes, she saw the dark room

"Oh god... what the _hell_ was _that!_ " A groan rumbled deep in her chest.

 _Maura would have a field day with this one._ She sat up on the bed and rubbed her face with both hands, scoffing at the glaring lack of subtlety of the dream. She braced herself for the inevitable typhoon, but it did not come.

All she felt was an overwhelming need to see Maura. To _be_ with Maura.

The glaring obviousness of the dream daunted her. She could not find it in her to even try to deny that her brain was screaming at her an obvious truth, and her fears, and all the thoughts she couldn't even form in her head while awake. It all looked so clear now, no matter how blind she had been, or how much she had fought it.

She wanted the dreams to be real.

She was happy that Julia had left Maura.

She was _grateful_ to Julia, for having unleashed something that felt so incredibly good -even if it was only a dream. At that precise moment, the dream felt like a huge neon sign crashing on her head, falling from high above the conscious stubbornness and fears. Her brain had spoken loud and clear, and now it felt almost ridiculous to try and fight.

It felt simple.

It felt _right._

 _I'm not afraid anymore._

She got out of bed and heard complete silence. Her watch told her it was almost 1 p.m. She checked Maura's bedroom. It was empty, the bed neatly made. The bathroom was empty – her heart jolted when she remembered Maura in the bathtub. She went downstairs; Maura wasn't home. She sat on one of the high chairs, deflated, when she saw the post-it note.

Her heart skipped a beat, and then started thumping inside, leaving her breathless.

 _She's coming now. Oh god._

With one deep breath, she got up and sprinted upstairs. She found a change of clothes in the guest room's cupboard -where Maura always kept clothes for her, and rushed to the bathroom. The hot shower felt like heaven, washing one by one the vivid images of her dreams, but leaving her with a peace she had never known. She held on to Frost's smile for a while, though, sighing over a soft smile.

She turned the tap off and she heard a noise outside.

It was the front door closing. She listened more closely and heard the familiar tapping of Maura's stilettos. Her heart stammered again, the latter part of the dream firmly seared in and thriving in her conscious mind. As she dried her body, she tried to rehearse what she would do or say when she faced real-life Maura again, but came up with nothing.

Instead, she held on to the only thought that held her whole, shining like a beacon.

 _I'm not afraid anymore._

 _._


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19 - Sunday afternoon**

* * *

Jane tripped over herself to get dressed and rushed downstairs. She found Maura sitting on one of the high chairs in the kitchen, leaning on one elbow as her hand rubbed her forehead.

"Hey." Jane felt her voice trembling. The dream had sucked any overthinking out of her, dumping it in front of her like a sad bag of pity, leaving her body light, breezy, defenceless. For the first time since the whole thing had started, she did not feel afraid. She was still really confused and amazed by how everything had turned out, but Maura looked far worse than she did.

"You brought lunch!" She knew she was hungry, but food was the last thing on her mind. She just had the urge to shake Maura out of that bad space she seemed to be in.

"I told you I would." A thin, weary but soft smile cropped up Maura's face, warming it up.

Jane nodded and ventured closer, keeping her eyes on the take-away bag.

"Is it yummy pasta from Ricchie's?"

"It is. Pappardelle."

"Yay! But... I didn't have coffee yet. Can I have coffee with my pasta?"

"You woke up now?"

"Can you believe it? I managed to hold off the dreams until the end." Jane nodded proud of herself, her lips tight and curved up, her eyes shining.

Maura frowned. "Did you dream again?"

Jane sat next to Maura, mimicking her elbows-on-island, hands laced position.

"Yup. Hoyt, Frost, Ma, you, the ADA, the works. I only missed the Red Sox."

Maura couldn't help but laughing, although the names popping up on Jane's brain troubled her deeply.

"Was it a bad dream?"

"It was… bizarre. Like really, really bizarre." Jane cast her eyes down and smiled. "But it was…" She shook her head slowly. "It was like a sign." She shrugged, her eyebrows raising above her nose, smiling with her eyes.

Maura's heart did a summersault and settled somewhere in her throat. Asking Jane to tell her dream would precipitate a conversation she was not quite ready to have, so she kept quiet, focusing on steadying her pulse.

When Jane realized that Maura was not going to ask her anything, she decided to ignore both the pang of disappointment and the relief, and moved on.

"What's that?" She pointed with her index finger at David's bag.

Maura's face lightened up, her lips curving up. "Oh, that's fresh organic vegetables that one of my lab assistants grew. He had a very interesting story, but the pasta is getting cold. Would you like me to make you a cup of coffee?"

Jane shook her head. "Nah, I'll do it. You do the pasta. I'm starving."

"I insist. I really would like to avoid my kitchen ending up full of coffee, because you forgot to tighten the portafilter. Again."

Jane pulled a face at Maura and set the table while Maura made coffee and opened a bottle of wine. Suddenly, as she was setting the fork next to the plates, Jane saw them as if she was standing on the other side of the room; they were working in silence, coordinated, so tuned with each other. Like a married couple… They already had it all, except _tha_ t - _that_ being sex. Now, even _that_ had left dreamland to make her body so aware, so ready, defying everything she had always believed.

She looked at Maura, and saw not her friend, but a beautiful woman, so fragile, so strong… A woman that had grown in her until she forgot what it was like not to have her in her life, and never questioning why or what it meant. Until now.

Jane could not imagine not having her, all the time, like this; and now she could imagine even more -much more than this… Her body was humming low, as if all the wires had been stripped naked, but this wasn't about sex, about flipping or whatever, she realized; it was as if it simply explained why nobody had ever stuck in her life, except Maura. It explained why -no matter what- they kept coming back to each other.

It was as if the A.D.A. woman had drawn a new frontier in their path, and now they found themselves staring beyond the border, realizing that the world wasn't flat. It was shocking, but also amazing, to discover that whatever lay ahead maybe wasn't as daunting, impossible or shocking as she could have imagined.

Jane left the Parmesan cheese on the counter and sat on the chair next to Maura, dimples showing, thrilled to feel such peace -even when she knew her life would very soon change irrevocably. Because _something_ had to happen -whatever that was- sooner or later, when they finally found they had no choice but to face things, together.

She took a good, long sip of her coffee, and felt all the goodness of the world in her. The goodness disappeared fast as she ate the first spoonful of food. The mixture of pasta and coffee was disgusting. She turned to joke with Maura, and the joke was forgotten as she saw deep lines crossing her forehead. Even though Maura was clearly trying to look relaxed, the hand holding the fork was visibly trembling, and Jane bit her lip. She had gone so far inside her own feelings that had forgotten that Maura may be in a complete different space to her. The thought crashed her.

Not knowing how to reach out, she chose the only path she could.

"So, what about this farmer lab assistant?"

The sudden, odd question after a rather long moment of silence made Maura snap out of her thoughts. She sighed and smiled, earnestly this time.

"He's so nice. I was really… touched by his story."

Jane expected Maura to say more, but she didn't. She just lowered her eyes, deep in thought again -although not troubled as before. Jane saw Maura's tongue tracing her tight lips in slow motion, as her mind drifted somewhere far deep inside. Free from her own head, safe in her newfound peace, she felt that little gesture deep down, right between her thighs. It almost hurt. She could feel the heat spreading upwards, leaving her breathless, but it was so strong, so intoxicating that she could not even think of fight it. The trembling in her sweaty hands was so noticeable that she left fork and spoon and tucked her hands under her legs.

They sat in silence for what it felt like an eternity. Jane, still hiding her trembling hands under her trembling legs and her thoughts from showing in her face, was amazed at the strength of her physical reaction -something that she had never really experienced before, not like this.

Maura's eyes were still lost in a thousand thoughts, idly moving the untouched food in her plate with the fork, but extremely aware of Jane next to her. She could almost feel the heat emanating from her body, and it clashed against her own overwhelming feelings and the tornado of jumbled thoughts.

Jane could feel the tension between them pushing them apart and together at the same time. She couldn't breathe; she needed to find Maura's eyes and see if there was anything in them to hold on to. She turned her head just in time to see the first glimmer of a tear running down Maura's face.

Maur…

The word never made it out. Jane tried to unstick her tongue from the roof of her mouth, and forced her throat to swallow. All she could see was that lovely face clenched in a clear effort to stop whatever it was she was feeling, but not succeeding.

Another tear surfaced and rolled down Maura's cheek.

"Maura..."

Maura shook her head, almost imperceptibly. But Jane was staring at Maura as if she were the only thing in the entire universe, so even a hint of a twitch in her face felt like an earthquake.

Her trembling hand got cold as it left the safety of chair and leg. The contact of fingertip with cheek was slight, but Maura shrank away from it -just a tiny fraction of an inch. Jane tried to withdraw, but her hand, still shaking, stood its ground and tried again, this time daring to offer itself whole. Jane gasped silently as she felt Maura's warm cheek against her hand. Her thumb finally found tears, and dissolved them with a gentle caress -so light that if they wouldn't have noticed it if contact had not burned.

Maura shut her eyes tight, her frown deepening, and let her face fall ever so slowly until it was resting on that warm open hand. Jane felt her entire body filled with Maura's hot skin; no embrace could have made her feel as close to her as she did now, and yet, she needed more. She needed to soothe Maura, but also needed to quench this unknown thirst that almost blinded her.

She got more, when Maura caressed her hand with her cheek, turning ever so slowly, her lips tracing a burning path along her thumb, and coming to a rest pressing a kiss on it. Jane froze, her brow tight, her lips parted, not even aware of her very audible gasp. She wished she would stop trembling, but the pressure inside was spreading inexorably to every inch of her body. Her other hand rushed in to Maura's face, cupping it, realizing that the trembling was not just hers. Maura's lips still pressed onto her thumb. Her breath burnt it, and that heat rushed up her arm, raising goosebumps along the way. Not even trying, she guided Maura's face towards her.

Maura raised her eyes -no tears in them now, only fully dilated pupils engulfing the golden brown- and met Jane's. Jane lost herself in a world of hazel flickered with yellow and light brown so painfully beautiful. As the distance between them disappeared, helpless against a simple law of physics, they held onto each other's eyes for dear life as they jumped with no harness.

(They still, after all this time, argue about who made the first move.)

Jane could feel Maura's breath on her lips. It came ragged, in short bursts. The intensity shone so bright that they had to close their eyes and follow the rest of the way blind, but trusting the homing beacon.

The contact of lips was light. Too shy, but it was perfect. It was finally letting go what Jane didn't know she was holding on to, screaming yes, the perfect pop of wood hitting a home run.

Home.

Not one of Jane's dreams had come even close to warn her what she would find in this shy meeting of lips. Nothing could have ever prepared to feel this close to someone. It wasn't just a kiss. It was discovering where she had always wanted to be without knowing it.

It didn't stay shy, though. The contact broke briefly, only to come back now with the all the force and gentleness and want that had been brewing deep down and begging to burst out.

When the kiss ended, struggling for air and terrified at the speed and intensity that they were falling, they sat with their foreheads touching; waiting, listening, wanting… Jane waited to wake up any moment now, and find herself sweating in her bed, terrified of the intensity of her feelings and reactions, but nothing happened.

No fear. No confusion.

Just the cold of not having those lips against her.

With that thought, Jane closed her eyes again and fell forward, trapping Maura's lower lip with hers.

Maura moaned against her lips.

Desperate to hear that sound again, Jane stood up, not breaking the kiss. Her hands left Maura's face and slid to her back, helping her up and closer to her. When their bodies finally touched, the embrace she had dreamt came to life with thundering force.

Jane left Maura's lips and buried her face in the crook of her neck, sensing the faint and familiar smell of the morgue drowned under her perfume, her shampoo. She would recognize Maura by that combination of scents even if in the middle of a crowd.

Maura's head moved slightly and Jane felt lips caressing her neck, raising a storm of goosebumps all over her body. Shivering, she drew Maura even closer as her shaking hands traced her back, her shoulders, her arms, her neck, her hair as if defining a new profile for someone she thought she knew.

They stood like that, gently rocking back and forth, letting their bodies get familiar with every curve, every hollow, every muscle and inch of naked skin they could find.

They stood like that, locked in a tiny, yet huge world that made more sense than anything they had ever experienced before.

An eternity passed before Jane found the strength to move; Maura had been too quiet, holding on too hard, the trembling was too strong. Her eyes demanded to see, to reconfirm, to ask. Brown met hazel and found a whirlwind of emotions too intense to even understand, pooled in a tear that finally stumbled and fell.

"You are crying." It was meant to be a question, but it left Jane's lips riding a freezing wave of anguish.

Maura's lips quivered, her eyes begging.

Jane drew her close again.

"Come here."

She embraced Maura with her entire body. From the confessionary in her neck, the words came out without warning or permission, daring through strands of soft hair.

"I love you, Maur..."

A sob burst soundless through Maura's shaking shoulders and sinking chest, her arms winding tighter around Jane.

Jane tilted her head back until she could find and hold Maura's eyes.

"I'm not afraid anymore." Jane nodded, shrugged imperceptibly.

"But I am, Jane. I am so afraid..." Maura's voice faltered and her lips trembled, and she bit them.

Jane held her breath, dizzy with the first slash of fear and the pain to see Maura's struggle.

"I'm here. Always."

"Oh, Jane…" Maura sighed the whisper, her voice low and hungry, tinged with a rough desperation. Raw desire took control, bursting inside a still amazed Jane. Maura's lips reached hers again, now firm, bold, unrestrained and Jane's legs gave way with the unexpected touch of the tip of Maura's tongue. Her head swam, and gave up control -whatever little she had to start off with. Her hands fumbled to trace Maura's body, holding as close as she could. They fell down, stumbling on the valley that preceded Maura's backside. It felt a lot firmer than she had always suspected, and it felt so amazing to hold, to trace.

Maura moaned again against her lips, and Jane tightened her grip. Her leg moved forward, trying to erase the last fraction of space between them, and found itself trapped between Maura's thighs. The heat burned Jane, making her insides cramp with the desire. She felt the hot air of Maura's gasp against her lips, just before they left her.

"Jane..."

Jane froze. Her name had not been spoken with desire. It was a stop sign, red, round, hard.

She pulled away, panting, torn, lost.

They stood almost lip to lip, their ragged breaths creating a whirlwind in the tiny space between them. Maura shut her eyes tight, her forehead tight, trying to stop the vertigo.

"Are you okay?" Jane couldn't bear to hear the answer. She had made her stop.

Maura felt Jane's low, hoarse voice deep inside her own chest, crushing for a second the panic of losing control completely, feeling so close to letting go the frail safety rope she had been holding onto all her life. She looked as deep as she could into Jane's eyes; they were begging, confused, lost but she still couldn't see fear in them. Worry yes, but not the all consuming fear burning inside of her. Above all, those amazing dark eyes were embracing her more than the arms were. For the first time in her life, there was something she wanted to hang on to for as long as she lived, with all her being, without any barriers. The realization made her fears resurface with vengeance.

She knew the answer to Jane's question more clearly than she had known anything before: she was not "okay", that was not it.

She felt blissful, elated, and overwhelmed by desire, but she also felt terrified. Jane's reaction - _this_ that was happening to them- had not been what she had expected at all. She had not dared to even dream about it. She felt like crying again with happiness, but it had all been so sudden, so intense that fear was the only thing to keep her from getting completely lost. Those brown eyes were true, as open as she had never imagine to see Jane. She believed Jane when she said she wasn't afraid, and also believed that Jane was strong enough to deal with anything.

But she wasn't Jane.

The long shadow of an empty, now meaningless, past and the ghost of a unknown future made her shudder.

She knew she couldn't talk, process, explain. Now was not the time. Her body was shaking uncontrollably with desire and a feeling so strong she couldn't understand.

"Just hold me, Jane."

Jane did, with all the love she could muster.

.

* * *

A/N: Aaaand there we go... Rizzles! :)


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20 – Sunday afternoon**

* * *

Jane couldn't tell how long they had been standing in the kitchen, buried in each other's arms. She could have stayed like that forever, except that she needed to see Maura, she needed to find her eyes and in them, the ghosts that made her so afraid. She also needed to confirm that what had happened was not a dream, a mistake.

"Maur, my feet are killing me. Can we sit?"

She felt Maura's silent laugh in her chest. Cold rushed in as Maura broke the embrace.

"You can't help yourself, can you?"

Jane raised her eyebrow and stretched her lips until the dimples were in full bloom, then she took Maura's hand and led her to the couch. Her body felt so cold, and begged her to bring back Maura's warmth. She sat on the couch and gently led Maura down.

Maura slid closer and snugged as if she had done it her entire life. Her body had learnt, in a matter of minutes, how to best fit her shoulder under Jane's arm, her face on her shoulder, her lips on the crook of her neck. Her arm, however, hesitated. It was all about where the hand should or would rest. She needed to feel the heat of those firm abdominal muscles, the peaceful breathing, the beating of the heart, but that would -by necessity- mean she would be too close to Jane's breasts. She wanted to feel them, but it would unleash her body again and she wasn't ready.

Finally, she rested her arm over Jane, safe, her hand barely touching her side. What she couldn't hold back was her fingers; they moved out of their own volition. They first touched, then pressed gently. There it was: Jane's calm breathing.

It soothed her.

Closing her eyes, Maura concentrated on floating with the gentle lapping of Jane's breathing. With one sense less active, she focused on Jane's perfume, the smell of her skin and even that awful fruit-scented chemical shampoo that had replaced the hair mask - she was grateful not to smell that hair mask again. The memory of Julia brought -again- a pang of guilt, tightening her levator labiis superioris into what others would have described as a wince.

She would be seeing Julia again whether she wanted or not; there would be other cases. _Hi Julia, I'm really sorry, but thanks for being so understanding that I used you to discover my real feelings for Jane._ She could have dressed it however she wanted, but ultimately, that is exactly what had happened. _Hi Julia, thanks for telling me a story that condenses almost every fear I have now._

Maura shifted slightly, as if the small spatial relocation would displace the guilt, and crush the panic that gave her the mere thought of not having Jane like this, always, forever.

She sighed, ignoring the tingling of Jane's hair on her nose. Jane's hand slid slowly from her arm to her face, and stayed there as a thumb traced cheek, and the feel of Jane's skin relaxed her tight grimace.

 _Jane_.

What kind of dream was capable of opening her up like this? As pragmatic as Jane was, the change had been too sudden. It scared her. Another fear. Over and above the ghosts of her past failures, the insecurities, and the phobia of abandonment, there was Jane and this sudden change. She knew Jane could handle anything, and believed that the fear was gone, but how could it be so easy to accept from almost one day to the next that you are physically attracted your best friend of years? Then Maura remembered Jane saying that the dream has been a sign. It fit her modus operandi: not process, then one day see a sign, or decide that she had enough, and make a decision.

Jane was right: We all have our own way of dealing with things.

 _Except I'm not dealing with this very well, and it was Jane who was supposed to struggle with it..._ Maura's fear of inadequacy was fuelled by this admission.

And yet, here they were, snugging on her couch, on the aftermath of frenzied arousal and the most unexpected love declaration. The memories of their kisses glided down her body and pooled between her thighs. Her hand forgot the earlier resolution and slid back, coming to rest on Jane's firm -yet relaxed- abdominal muscles, right against the swell of her breasts. She felt muscles contract and the brief pause in Jane's breathing.

It would be so easy to climb up, feel the fabric of her bra, her…

No.

"Our friendship has always been undemanding, and I treasure that. I am afraid that I will now start expecting things from you."

Jane was still lost in the tingle running up and down her body, in the heat of that hand, and the heat inside, still astonished by how easy and how right this felt. Shifting in her seat, careful not to break contact, her hand brought Maura's face up until their eyes met.

Maura saw the confusion in Jane's face.

"What I mean is, I think the secret of our friendship has been the mutual lack of demands, allowing for a deeper trust to be built with low risk of disappointment. But now, I need more from you, Jane."

"Okay, so basically, what you're trying to say is that you think that wanting to be with me is going to… screw our friendship and whatever?"

"Basically, yes."

Jane smiled tenderly, and placed a soft kiss on Maura's forehead. " _That's_ screwed, you know that?"

Without taking her lips away, she whispered, her voice now deeper, more solemn. "I want you to expect more from me, Maur. I want you to demand more. I'm better because of you, because of that."

Maura tightened her arm, pressing her forehead to those lips, and retreated.

"But our dating history is plagued with near-hits, misses, or serial killers." Maura's voice was thin, weary.

"Good thing I'm a detective and not a serial killer."

"I'm serious."

Jane shrugged and pointed at their embrace with her eyes. "Maybe _this_ is the reason why? Maybe we were looking too hard elsewhere?"

The sheer logic of that left Maura silent for a moment.

"What would your family say? Your mother?"

"Nothing? Ma... Ma will be happy if I'm happy. Sooner or later. Nah, she will, she adores you. And Frankie will..." Jane shrugged." Punch me and wink? Tommy… well… Tommy is Tommy. Aunt Teresa is going to have a stroke, though, and Ma will blame me."

Maura would have laughed, if only her brain weren't on rapid-fire mode, spitting out one by one all her fears. She smiled briefly, then frowned at the next question.

"And work?"

"Let me see. Now we get to discuss cases at home, or arrive together at a scene? Oh, damn, we do that already." Her grin had the power to diffuse Maura and a thousand bombs. Then it disappeared. "Wait, what are you doing, Maura?

Maura's eyes hid on a wrinkle on Jane's top.

"Maura, look at me."

Her eyes closed.

"Please?"

Silence.

Jane scrutinized Maura's face.

"Wait. Are you trying to convince me that this is a mistake?" The worry and pain in the brown eyes made Maura's heart skip a beat.

"No! No, Jane, it's not that… Not at all." Her eyebrows pressed together. "Isn't it?"

"Why? I would call this many things: bizarre, wonderful, scary, and… but a mistake? Why? No."

It was Jane's turn to cast her eyes down. When she spoke again, it was almost to herself.

"I'm in too deep already, anyway."

She met Maura's eyes again, her voice broken with so many feelings she couldn't hold back, and a sincerity that couldn't care less if it made her look weak.

"Maura, if something has to go wrong, it's not because I want it to go wrong. I have no idea how this happened, why now. Well, maybe I do but anyway… I know I can't help being who I am, and I hope like hell that I don't screw this up, but," She smiled, crawling out of the wobbly place Maura's question had thrown her in. "But I hope you can feel this." Her arms tightened around Maura's back, her fingers caressing her face. "And this." She lowered her head and, after a second of hesitation, closed her eyes and kissed Maura, then retreated questioning, expectant.

Maura's face relaxed, and nodded.

"I do, Jane, but I've never felt like this before. It's… so big. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know if I'm equipped to-, if I-"

"Shh..." Jane brought her closer when she saw the emotion pooling around and under Maura's lids. With her lips next to her ear, she whispered. "I don't know either, Maur, but," The sigh surprised her, distracting her for a second. "If it's with you here with me, I can. Anything. And we can deal with this together, right?"

Moving back just enough to see Maura's face, words formed without even thinking about it.

"I want this. I want _you…_ Go figure, huh?" She smiled, but it faded as her eyes dropped to Maura's lips, and waited holding her breath.

"Oh, Jane. Jane. Jane..."

The desperation in Maura's kiss carried all the fears and all the doubts of the world, but also an immense love and deep certainty and trust in Jane.

The kiss deepened, as their bodies shuffled on the couch to get even closer. Elbows dug in sides, hands fumbled as the uncovered skin, fingers hesitated and launched in a search of the unknown.

The sound of Jane's moan catapulted Maura into a frenzy, forgetting for a second to be gentle, and Jane followed and led and was led, and her heart skipped a beat when Maura's lips parted, her eyes closed, abandoned to pleasure, and nerve endings flared up wherever they touched skin and skin was touched. Balance was lost and and somehow a blanket ended on the floor; without skipping a beat, they moved in synch, laughing as they fell and rolled and kissed and fumbled with bras and buttons, and kisses on brand new skin, and oceans surfaced and they dived into them without a lifeline, and lips drank and stifled a moan and then another, until they came face to face, completely naked for the first time, blinded by a desire that erased any doubts and fears and questions.

"You are so beautiful. How could I not see that?" One might have said the words, but the other thought the same thought at the same time, and the shared thought became another kiss, deep, filled with the million things words could never say.

The rush gave way to a slow, purposeful hunt; a search that discovered and memorized and treasured every shiver, every sigh, every gasp and muffled gasp, until pleasure peaked and burst with uncontrollable spams contained by arms that couldn't hold tighter, kisses that couldn't be gentler, thankful, adoring.

As their bodies cooled down, Jane shivered. Maura reached for another blanket and wrapped it over their entangled nakedness. Jane trembled, and Maura held her, soothing her with her lips softly over her cheek, her shoulders, her eyes, her hands.

Hands danced in slow motion, discovering each other, holding tight, as their bodies, spent, snugged, sealing the end of fear.

Brown eyes deep on hazel, they understood the meaning of the word Love, and waved goodbye to a lifetime of ghosts, welcoming their birth.

Time drifted. They slept, they woke up, eyes surprised, elated and embracing, lips coming together and pressing tight as each caress drew a promise of thousands to come.

At that instant, Maura knew.

"I'm not afraid anymore." Maura whispered against Jane's lips.

"I know. And we're going to be fine, aren't we?"

Maura smiled, clear, free, light.

"Yes, Jane, we are."


	21. Chapter 21

Hi,

This is not a chapter but **a door to the Epilogue of this story.** Again I am doing something most folks may not like but... I had very clear from the start how I wanted it to be woven, and how it would end in chapter 20, with an epilogue.

Then, the Epilogue took a life of its own, and I decided to post it separately as a one-shot.

Thanks for walking with me to the end this unconventional, controversial, slow minute-by-minute story of their getting together. And again, thanks so much for all your comments!  
If you liked it, please drop a fav or a comment so I know :D

 **Because we are not allowed to post links on a story, you'll find it next to this one on the Rizzoli-and-Iles listing.**

 **It's called (duh!) _Epilogue_.**


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